Thanks A lot Thanksgiving!

So I’m the only person who can cook in my family believe it or not. Not many people know this about me but not only was I born with the mind of a pervert and the body of a WNBA player on estrogen but I also always was a little dynamo in the kitchen (because I’m hungry) When I graduated high school, which is kind of my greatest accomplishment in life thus far, I was already doing comedy and acting but my sensible father made me do something "that I can fwool back oowon" (try saying that in the nazaliest new jersey Jew accent you can) I knew college was not an option. I wanted to go to acting classes and get my career going! I was going to be a star by the time I was 22 (shut up.) Why would I want more school!? I barely passed high school and absolutely hated school, not because I was unpopular (like duh or whateverrr) but cause it was fucking boring and started soooo early in the morning and people tried to make me do homework, sorry Dennis (I always called my teachers by their first names just to piss them off) after 3pm I’m off the clock. So my dad was like, you can chase waterfalls (my dad's nickname at the jewish community center was left eye...cataracts is a bitch) and be the next tone deaf Bette Midler but here are the options: you paint yourself up like a happy hour whore so clearly you can go to beauty school, and goddamn girl you can cook so you can go to culinary school. I chose the latter. I got into the french culinary institute, completed training and graduated at the top of my class and won like baking awards and best bacon fat renderer and shit like that. I actually loved it but I should've gone to beauty school because it's more lucrative and less serious as a career choice. You can curl someones hair or glue some eyelashes on some pinch faced 16 year old cunt bag for 500 bucks or work like an animal in a hot kitchen where you're not allowed to wear nail polish for 3 weeks to make that much. Anyway I could go on and tell the story of when I worked at Jean Georges for a week and quit because I was getting frying pans thrown at me in between getting molested (sounds like marriage) by french men who called me Barbie cause I had my name embroidered in pink on their chef jacket "euuuu BAHRBI, AHrriet q'est que ce que ca!!?" I had to incorporate a little personal HH flair somehow! Or the time I was molested in a walk in refrigerator (Um...french foreskin cheese is not the ingredient i was looking for in here) The point is, getting back around to it, is I can cook like a motherfucker and do thanksgiving every year. I'm in Fort Lauderdale Florida with my nut case Adderall infused day trader cousin who thinks he's Gordon Gekko but is more Forest Gump, my other queen jap cousin who is always whining on the couch with some sort of Jewish chronic stomach ailment and watching real housewives of everywhere, my aunt and the rest of the Boca blondes. I cooked for 3 days for 20 people they ranted raved and loved. Not sure if it's that I love compliments and attention so much or that it actually feels good to feed people and make them happy on a holiday but either way it was nice, my ego and heart were sufficiently stroked like a Filipino lady boy at a Vietnam vet reunion.  But all good strokes don't last. The longer I’m here chilling with my insane family by the ocean instead of being swallowed by buildings and greyness like a boa constrictor in my hometown NYC, I still have anxiety no one is coming to my show tomorrow, that I’m here so I’m not doing enough in general, that my future will be bleak unless I pull my shit together and what if I don't then what kind of lonely depressing hell will that be, that I haven't been on stage in 10 days and what if that's ok and what if this is not what I’m meant to do with my life, you know the usual negative self indulgent martyr bullshit that spins around over and over again like a barber sign in my brain. Then at the urging of a friend my cousin (the jappy one on the couch) and I made a profile for me on a popular dating website. I always thought I was too famous to be on one of those sites until I passed by a mirror, so japface and me hunkered down and tried to make a profile. 2 versions of my profile got "unapproved" by the site because I said dick and period. I dumbed it way down and now I sound like a Mcgirlfriend who "likes roller coasters and when eyes sparkle and I love to go out, but also indeed love to stay in too also!" uggghh. I also had to put up pictures that were like "fun, action, look at me I’m a nice girl who loves sunshine" shots which obviously I don't have. All my pictures are like me drunk with cleavage that looks like a butt on my chest at some east village gay bar without a ray of sunshine or a t cell in sight! I managed to crop and select pictures that make me look like somewhat of a day walker and posted them and have been getting flooded with losers. Then the cute ones I write back and like fuck it up somehow with my sense of humor, which is apparently a huge red flag because they never write back. I don't know; in dating being yourself can get you into trouble. I guess that's why most couples are so miserable. I honestly don't get what I do to eventually repel men, I honestly feel like a catch! Like I went on a few dates with this guy, he was telling me I want to invite you to my bday party and meet my friends, you're so cool, you're so funny, you're so beautiful and then…nothing. Huh? It's no big whoop because he was cool enough and very sexy and he didn't give me the sparks or the butterflies anyway but what the fuck? I hate to be a man hater but what's with the lying? Don't you know we'll fuck you anyway? You don't have to go on some rigmarole to make a girl feel special and like you like her and want to be next to her and have her babies and it's a complete bullshit lie! I HAPPEN TO LIKE DICK! I WILL BLOW YOU! YOU DON'T HAVE TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE YOU LOVE ME TO DO IT! IF EVERY GUY I BLEW LOVED ME I'D HAVE MUCH BETTER JEWLRY! IT'S REALLY OK!  How can someone be so up your asshole one minute then just gone the next. It's not like this happens every so often, this has never not happened! Is it me? Am I a just a truck stop? What the fuck?

Anyway I’m doing this ridiculous match making website to manufacture dates based on what I look for on a superficial level and then be another comedian who does internet dating material! AWESOME!

If this blog is not incentive enough please come hear me talk shit at Gotham Comedy Club on Tuesday (Nov. 29th) at 8pm. Rich Vos, Michele Balan, Nick Cobb, Selena Coppock, Manuel Rondon and Miguel Dalmau are on it too and they are sincerely hilarious. The anxiety that promoting causes makes my anus tighter than an angry oyster! Please come out and laugh at me and loosen my anus!

Love you bunnies. Hope you had a wonderful thanksgiving. My cousin tells me the market is going back up. XOXO