Tuesday, June 1, 2010


I’m so fucking metal! Metal is the phrase of the day. Pass it on. It means awesome. It means rock and roll. It means VERY BADASS! 
Its time to take some action and make some shit happen. I lost 23 lbs and counting. Betcha cant wait for my "after" bikini shots. I got that tiny pink bikini waiting in my closet, seams are still in tact! But blah blah blah folks! Who honestly gives a shit? All I want to do is be busy. I’m scared shitless cause June has no bookings. Well two so far and that’s better than nothing but my bank account is dryer than my womb. I don’t need to be skinny I don’t need to be freshly fucked, although the steroids that my dermatologist put me on for my mysterious and incessant itching (sexy right?) have been making me wetter than the underside of John Goodman’s man boob. You know what else I don't need? I don’t need to have my dick stroked by a bunch of agents and publicists and like-minded showbiz people who promise me the world and don't return my phone calls. In this day and age in showbiz you gotta make it happen for yourself. I need to take the fork out of my mouth and replace it with money. Put my money where my mouth is is what I’m trying to say.  I'm sorry. I’m in a vulgar sort of crazed mood right now. Thought it might be a good time to write. 
But its summer ladies and gentlemen! I was always a child of the summer. Well that’s a lie. Summer is only fun when your stomach is flat. There was only that one summer when I was skinny. It was the best summer ever 2 summers ago. I was so skinny and had a "boyfriend" (exclusive bone) and a job at a nightclub which allowed me some money to waste away on Christian Louboutins which are all fucked up now because you put 200 lbs on a ciggarette heel and add a bottle of whiskey and your shoes don’t stay in the best condition. Now I’m dieting and my money is being drained. But I am hopeful! I am going to be a star goddamn it! I am going to make television history and live in laurel canyon in an amazingly landscaped house with my airedailes and fresh Christian Louboutins  that I walk on like a butterfly and I don’t give a shit if you believe me or not. I am so FUCKING METAL! (air guitar) and guess who else is metal... YOU!