Wednesday, April 14, 2010

A little too real...(and i'm just too lazy for good grammar)

So im feeling a bit lighter a bit healthier. Still going, still striving, still moving, still grooving.
What else is in the news.... OOH! Last night i had a dream that i was doin it with Javier Bardem and Penelope was really mad so i fed her a lobster which she ate with the shell still on it "a la" Daryl Hannah in Splash.
Well let's talk! I mean emotionally things have been kind of rocky road (ice just creamed my pants) lately!
All of these changes im making. Hustling like crazy, performing all the time, not smoking not drinking not drugging, not boning, now not binge eating...making a bad girl good is tough work! Theres nothing to numb me now except this tube of tiger balm and that just makes my eyes bug out of my head like a psycho with a thyroid problem. I mean, what kind of comedian would i be if i wasnt clinically depressed. Its a lot of work being Harriet Halloway all the time. The fake eyelashes, being honest and friendly, having that air of "wholesome waywardness", being sexy and precosious, you know...pretending that i like gay people...its a lot!
In reality i really am all of those things, but I also have 0 self esteem, am constantly seeing a shrink, i am a person who cries all the time, and i can't help thinking im a big dumb clown sometimes (apparenly with pies in my face for a completely different reason.) I am one of many people who has the thoughts of: no one will ever accept me, no one will ever know how to love me, the way people treat eachother and all other life on this planet is so scary and appalling so why am i even part of this human race to begin with...blah blah blah, wah wah wah, im a narcassistic baby woman, i know i know.
For me, it's so much easier to take the negative things people say about me more seriously than the positive things. Like someone blogged that i was "just another un funny female comedian" for some reason i can believe that, even though i have ears...i can hear the laughter from the stage, i know logically that its just one persons opinion, but it still cuts like a knife. Then when someone says "Goldie hawn meets Mae West...but funnier" that makes me swoon and lets me know i'm on the right path but, number one, it doesnt have as big of an effect on me as the negative press, and number two, theres that underlying reminder "calm down lady... it could be that maybe you're just a total dildo." I s'pose these thoughts are normal. The trick is to take steps to make the thoughts less frequent, more positive, and taking all of the energy one puts into looking inward and put it outward to people and things with real suffering (although everybodies struggle is valid and real to them. without struggle we'd all be a Hilton sister) I mean, all i know is i LOVE what i do and the only time i really feel good is not when im winning an eating contest, or peeing on peoples cars, or waking up with brett butlers' toe in my mouth, but when im talking about all of it in on a milk crate with a squeeky microphone in some hilbilly honkey tonk. So, i guess im just gonna keep doing it cause the alternative is being the mother in Whats Eating Gibert Grape...although i do love a good bed.
I'm good I'm good...points are good, head is just ok but determination is big.