Thursday, September 22, 2011

What a Difference A Taint Makes

Finally my body is where I want it to be again. I've got issues still. Nothing ever is perfect but that's life. I feel like I’m TV ready which is nice. I've had some really awesome shows lately, which have gotten the old confidence back! Nothing like getting steady comedy club laughs after a string of bombing at bar shows with 4 audience members who half pay attention. But no show is perfect! Recently I had a show at Gotham comedy club, which I was taping because I need more tapes to send out to networks and late night shows to facilitate my pursuit of being some sort of comedy legend one day and something always goes wrong when I try to film a tape. Either someone’s phone rings, a waitress stands right in front of the camera, the sound is off, my heads chopped off…SOMETHING!  So this show was pretty crazy because every other comic had a good set with the respect of the audience but of course as soon as I got up there, hoping for a good tape, a table starts talking during my set very loudly. Just having full on conversation! I don't know what it was about me that night that made them think they could fuck with me, maybe I was looking particularly petite and meek and white (which in normal circumstances would be a fantasy come true.) So I asked them in the middle of my set: "Alright, hold up excuse me but are you guys paying the bill or something or are you just being rude?" to which they replied "no we're just being rude!" That's when I blew like an adolescent on a penthouse magazine! I just started going off, seeing green like the incredible hulk! I didn’t even remember what I said because I was so overcome by the rage and blood coursing through me but it was HILARIOUS to everybody including said disrespectful table. I do remember one of the girls volunteered that she was Asian (I couldn’t see beyond the blinding stage lights) which, for anybody who has seen my act or knows me added fuel to the fire (I have a deep hatred of tiny Asian girls with tiny pussies who have hot white boyfriends, call me racist I really don't give a fuck it just pushes my buttons) anyway I lost it on her but she and her twenty something douche bag friends were eating it up and she and pretty much the rest of the audience and the comedians in the wings came up to me and said that I was "unbelievable!" and "Like nothing they’ve ever seen!” so that felt good at least. Must be the rush a Nazi feels when he's tossing Jews in the oven like Pillsbury crescent rolls. But this rant helped me! I've been doing well…on another bi-polar up swing perhaps because of it. Now I am reminded that I’m good at this! And I can continue preparing myself for shows and hyping myself up (a little process I like to call "Preparation H.")
More excitingly, since this shift I had marathon sex Friday Saturday and Sunday (with the SAME PERSON! I know this is a big step!!!) This dude I met with my personal trainer Frankie "bag a snack wells." Frankie and I have fun together in the gym and have become friends (my first actual platonic friendship with a man that I haven’t ended up drunk and blowing who isn't a 5'2" Jewish comic,) basically all we do is terrorize the other people working out there and the other people who work there, Frankie has a great comedic rhythm and keeps up with me while I’m doing squats and crunches, it's good stuff. Anyway Frankie "bag a snack wells" took me out to the bar, after the Gotham "table of douche bags and one Asian" show for a much needed drink (I was still full of adrenaline and covered in audience blood) and his friend was there, another trainer and what can I tell ya, one drink led to another, an exchange of glances, I may or may not have sat on his lap and gave him a dental check up with my tongue (I’m shy.) I went home with him and showed him why they call me "The Recliner" (soft, squishy and always someone in me) well now that I’m skinny I guess I should be called "The Bar Stool" either way I got some good much needed lovin and the sonovabitch wants to see me again so who the hell knows...we shall see. I feel happy, go figure! It's remarkable that when you shift the depression the phone starts ringing. Already I found out today I’m gonna be on TV (nothing major, you won't be seeing me at the 2012 Emmy’s but it'll be cute and I’ll tell you about it once I sign on the dotted line) and booking more shows everyday and feeling a little more hopeful about my auditions and writing more material. God I’m such a basket case! I'm up I’m down! I have an ego that is more fragile than Laura’s glass menagerie but as long as things get accomplished in the "up" times enough to hold me over for the next time I’m rotting here in a self indulgent catatonic depression then that's good enough for me :) Guess, at the end of the day I’m like an Irish potato farm, I’m depressing and full of weeds but all I need is a plowing and I’m good for business!