Thursday, June 24, 2010

The Scale

Alright so I slipped! I took 3 days and just totally fell off the wagon. Ate everything and anything in site. No holds barred, no counting points no nothing. And I was doing so well!

I weighed myself and thought I was at my goal weight but none of my old clothes were even dreaming of zipping. I’m all “OMG get a loada me! I’m the skinniest littlest sexiest thing since Melba toast!” Then I'm in my closet trying to pull on a pair of size 4 YSL shorts over my GIANT ASS!
I decided to try a different scale because maybe mine was broken. So I did what any normal logical person would do: I got drunk and slept with somebody who had one. When I awoke next to whats his name, I tip toed to his bathroom and I was shocked! His scale told me I was 20 lbs heavier than I thought! And I trust his scale because the night before he paid for the cab so I knew he was a stand up guy! On the walk of shame home in the middle of Murray Hill in the blinding sun, with my dried up nose bleed and wrinkled sequined cocktail dress, I felt the  stares of the people on their way to work thinking “God! What a Fat Ass!”
So, depressed and defeated I decided to binge because “that’ll teach ‘em!” I ate BLT’s, fried mozzarella sticks, entire bags of Doritos, macaroni and cheese, every kind of candy you can imagine, real ice cream, pasta in rich cream sauces, bread, pizza, cake, you name it! When I start I can’t stop until I have everything that I can think of so I can be done, and that will be that. This is a horrible way to react, I know this, but when I’m upset I just go for it, it’s how I'm programmed.
It wasn’t only my backstabbing serpent liar scale that upset me, it’s the lack of work I’ve been getting. I saw the Joan Rivers documentary and related so much! I need to wear sunglasses because the white of the blank calendar is blinding me! I have been working endlessly on other projects which is good, but who am I if I'm not on stage? I’m a fucking mess! I hate not performing it makes me so sad and withdrawn and hungry. Microphones are Prozac. But things will pick up, that’s showbiz…ups and downs.
I’ve been working the press angle in the hopes that if my name is somewhere then I might be more inclined to get a nice juicy full calendar. So interviews are set up, things are moving everything will be fine.
Setbacks are normal! I’m not going to beat myself up over this. Although its hard walking around in the summer seeing all the flat stomachs and the men who love to spooge on them. Fucking TINY SLUTS! I HATE YOU! AAARRGHHHHHGGG! No I’m fine….really! In fact, I think I’m gonna change my name to Harmony Halloway. Wattaya think?