Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Surgeons General Warning

Confession time. Yesterday I went to the plastic surgeon for a consultation. I have a pretty bad scar that I wanted removed (psychiatrist tried but….) and I figured while I was there. I’d ask about some liposuction. Just a question! Why not? Big deal!
I am not one of these people who are anti plastic surgery. I believe that if it makes you feel better about yourself and if you want to fix something why not fix it. Unfortunately or fortunately my family believes in this too. Someone said to me..."once you have a child you'll want him or her to know that they are beautiful the way they are and not to listen to the world around them." In my family if your kid has a big shnaz and he’s self conscious about it we say shave that sucker down (this is my natural nose! The shnaz gene skipped me, thank god.) So I decided to go and check this doctor out and see what my options were. Even at my skinniest I have a little pooch belly and extra skin from the ups and downs. Some say its pretty, its feminine...I say it looks like an abdominal scrotum. No appointments have been made and here’s why.

I walked into the doctor’s office (a known "perfectionist" in his field but that just means "salesman") and he proceeds to bombard me with recommended procedures. He suggests things that I never even thought of! For one thing he thinks the tops of my breasts are too hollow which makes my nipples look higher and that he could take fat from my stomach and inject it in the top of my breasts to make them fuller on top. (Can you imagine? Hey guys can we stop for something to eat? My fuckin’ tits are rumbling!) He wanted to take fat from my hips and inject it under my eyes, telling me that my brow is "above par" and my under eye area is "below par" and that’s why I have dark circles under my eyes and I will age better through my 30's and 40's with fat under my eyes. The Doctor explained to me that "we go through life judging people by how they look. Our eye is trained to judge if someone is beautiful or ugly based on facial fullness. If a face has more volume then we perceive it as beautiful." He told me that he could take the scar tissue from my scar and melt it down or something and inject it under my lips because I have two hollow spots under my bottom lip which gives me a natural frown and he literally said, I KID YOU NOT: "we can turn you from a sad clown to a happy clown." Crickets…. He also wanted to reshape my entire torso, hips and stomach and the entire surgery with all the recommended procedures would cost 16,000 not including anesthesia. Kind of makes you sick doesn’t it? Not for people with weak stomachs [on their tits.]

So as you can imagine, this experience was really sort of horrifying especially considering that I walked in with my normal low-level of hysteria that i always have, but do you know what the fucked up part is? I actually walked out thinking I need all this surgery!!! On the subway ride home I was looking at peoples faces. Looking at whose under eyes were fuller and if that made them more attractive.... I was so confused I ended up going home with an Aztec. 

A couple hours later I came to my senses! What the fuck! I'm on stage for a living I'm not gonna go fucking with my face! And how dare he take a girl in her 20’s and just list her flaws A to Z! I don’t want to lose the integrity of my face and body so I can look like a sex shop blowup doll! And god damnit I get cast in parts not because I look like a blowup doll but because I’m legitimately talented and I lie there and act like one! People with plastic surgery look like they've had plastic surgery! They can do whatever they want but Jesus Christ! Don't impose that on me! The only ass I want in my face is Chris Cornell’s! (I’d like to eat that black hole sun!)

Now I’m reading these tabloids as I tend to do.... with delusions of seeing my name… hoping to one day see the headline “Comedian Harriet Halloway Caught Man Handling Andy Dick In Bathroom Stall” and every page is about getting skinny. Jen Lost 7 lbs in 7 days! Kardashians in weight war! Kendra Wilkinson How Did She Lose her Baby Weight and Who Exactly is She? It’s amazing what America does to women. We are constantly made, by the media and the world around us to feel that we are not hot enough. These women have teams of people to make them look that way. Normal people don’t look like that! It’s not possible. But we keep trying. It’s all so sick and disturbing. I’m so nauseous I have a good mind to stick my finger down my throat and puke up my salad with fat free dressing!