Alright so I got liposuction...
I did it swear to god! But instead of pretending I didn’t and taking 'after' pictures in a pink bikini and saying "it was portion control" I'm gonna be a woman, stand up with my back straight and LET THE FAT OUTTA THE BAG: I HAD LIPOSUCTION!
It's just something I really wanted to do for myself for years and years and even at my skinniest I always had a champagne belly (I hate beer) so I figured, the calendar is open at the moment (I have like no bookings) and it's cold out so that'll help swelling...so why the fuck not!
Also I was getting to a point where I was digging my body again just not certain parts...so I took em out! Anyway why do I have to rationalize it? Don't really care what anybody thinks, I did it, it hurt, now it doesn’t, and my stomach is flat for the first time in my life so ROCK N ROLL!
It was pretty painful though...Like the first 3 days were...ooof brutal. But like a week in bed vs. a lifetime of dieting and emotional and physical rollercoaster’s?...uh I’ll take the week in bed, thanks.
They did my entire stomach, upper and lower, my upper back and lower back (so no more unsightly bra bulge and he explained by "scooping out" (I know it's so Heidi Montag I love it!) my lower back that it would make my ass seem more prominent and therefore even more remarkable and arresting...yeah that's right, you have the right to remain silent, my ass is in the room.) they also did my hips and my sides so it was pretty much my entire torso 360 that was invaded by this magical vacuum cleaner. It's a new kind of lipo where they go in with a large heated needle and the heat melts the fat and draws it out in sheets. Isn't that amazing! So it's not as invasive and crazy as normal liposuction where they fist fuck you with a tube till your fat breaks up and then they suck it out (if I had a nickel...)
So you're probably thinking I’m following in the footsteps of female comics like Joan Rivers, Phyllis Diller, Roseanne and good old Kathy Griffin with the plastic surgery nuttiness but I assure you, it ends here, cause that shit hurt and was pretty intense. I kind of talked myself into it being like "oh whatever how bad can it be" but it is pretty traumatic what your body goes through even if you're asleep, it reminds me of when I lost my virginity and I woke up and screamed "get off me dad you're crushing my smokes!" I don't want anymore but I got to admit I can see how gals get the bug, it's like getting a tattoo, you get one and then next thing you know you have 3 ying yang’s, you're ex boyfriends name and a Chinese character that means "most ancient mystical specialfull tender beauty turd" on your forearm. But the last thing I need is a plastic surgery addiction added to the list of all the others. And come on, I’m an [out of work] actress; this is my [not making any] moneymaker people! You don't just toy with that!
So that's that...I feel good and am on the mend. It's amazing every day the swelling goes down I shrink more and more. It's fabulous! From this potato doctor created: woman! During my recovery I am eating well and being healthy, I am loving being a non smoker it's fabulous, and I’m planning my next steps folks! New year, new bod...nothing can stop me now! And if you don't like it, then a-go fuck yaself good sir! (she says as she tips her hat, adjusts her monocle, and bows low and slow)