Wednesday, January 4, 2012

The Years Are Like A Queef

Well happy 2012 everybody! How was yours? Mine blew. I finally got off unemployment (they caught up with me not even remotely looking for a job for two years) and now I have a real job, which I had to start on new years! I'm not going to say what it is or where because my imaginary publicist/rep told me it might tarnish my image as a pretend celebrity. The job to be honest is totally fine because show business has been kicking my fucking ass lately and winning. I haven't blogged since thanksgiving. I feel like barely anyone reads it anyway. I felt that it was only moderately funny until several people (mostly people I’ve fucked that think pillow talk is a Q&A session with the comic…I’d rather have commentary on my sexual performance instead of my actual performance…) have expressed that my blog is indeed funnier than my tweets! Well wrap that hand in toilet paper because I’m about to turn that opinion into shit! First of all that is awesome to hear, I take criticism horribly I always have but I can admit that they're not funny because tweets that I stand behind rarely get “retweeted” or “liked” these days. You see, as a narcissist pig performer making people laugh and then getting the validation on the Internet through “likes” and “retweets” is really the fuel that makes this machine run. Any comic who writes something funny that gets no love gets their feelings hurt because we are all narcissist pigs otherwise we wouldn’t be so hungry for attention in the first place and if they deny it and say they just do it for the love of performing either they’ve been doing standup for a grand total of three years or they’re a FUCKING LIAR! Anyone can write something funny now. I’m in competition with some accountant named Myrna from Tuscaloosa who get’s 30 likes and 45 comments cause her cat got tangled in her grand mammy’s underoos! The thing is I wouldn't tweet anything that I didn't think is funny. I just wouldn't do it! So apparently what I think is funny is just not! And before you say I'm just being hard on myself and “Harriet I love your tweets” no you don’t! No you fucking don’t! It’s ok I can take it. No “likes” means not funny I’m not an idiot. So my "career" if you can call it that, where I say things into a microphone that I think are funny (or “my brand of humor”) is in actuality not funny anymore, so I am failing at what I claim is my dream. You can't be fucking "on" all the time I guess. Or maybe you can! Maybe funny people and real comedians are. I've grown to hate the comedy enterprise. It doesn't make me happy it makes me miserable and fume with anger! I hate comedy clubs, I hate comedians, I hate watching comedy, I hate greenrooms, I hate ungrateful rude audiences, I hate cocktail waitresses, I hate bookers and agents, I hate managers, I hate well vodka so why should I do it? My ceaseless negativity may have something to do with the fact that my incredibly fragile ego has been severely bruised cuz the last 4 shows I had booked in 2011 (and the only shows I have booked, I have nothing set up in 2012) were awful! I didn't bomb but I was just not good. And I know the difference between a good set and a bad set, I have eyes and ears. Again, these things happen but shouldn't I have the resilience or even the interest to get back up there and prove fuckers wrong? I know I’m great, in fact I know I’m one of the greatest (narcissist pig), but something in me is extinguishing that light behind my eyes and it is effecting my performance all around (well not my sexual performance...I can still make a beer can disappear in my mouth BURP) and I just don’t care!
I am a person who takes new years very seriously, I hate it as a holiday because I think it gives people a license to act like an animal or more specifically how I act on an average Tuesday night, however I like what it means. I like a day where the universal consciousness is looking back and looking forward. New years means the same thing to everyone around the world (except the yids and the chinks...calm down I'm trying to get out of jury duty) it's a new chapter, a new beginning where really anything is possible. People make resolutions, there is a general feeling of stillness as things are taken into account while plans are made until bro’s who wear knit caps in the summer and flip flops in the winter and girls who can’t walk in their $25 pair of stripper shoes get FUCKIN WASTED BRAH!!! I actually accomplished everything that I said I was going to do last year, I was on TV, I did a shit ton of standup, I had major meetings and auditions with big networks (never got the part but still I am most certainly on the radar of some major people) I found love (don’t get carried away, it ends tragically but what doesn’t!) I was healthy, I had liposuction, took care of my body, lost close to 40 pounds, definitely grew spiritually big time. So looking back I have to say I am grateful but presently I’m miserable and because of that I think my future is bleak! I just am in a rough place because I’m stagnant and living purely from my ego.
I'm totally a fat fuck again, I can't stop eating and I’m not working out. I feel like I gained like 20 lbs in 2 months however I refuse to weigh myself, but whatever I’m getting laid still which is really the only reason women lose or gain weight anyway. The whole "so I feel better for me" thing is bullshit, you just aren't getting any dick and no one “likes” or “retweets” you naked! It's alright my ass is big and round and my tits went up like 2 cup sizes and since I got the lipo my stomachs still flat so I make black guys CREAM THEIR PANTS! “Daddy I’d like you to meet Daronté!” A friend pulled me aside at a Christmas party and cornered me and put his face real close up to mine and whispered slow and wet "You gained some weight" and I was like "yeah maybe a little," my lip quivering, and he took a long slow deep breath and said "THANK GOD! You look like SHIT skinny! Sorry girl, but you know I tell you the truth, I keep it 100% (snapping fingers) miss honey, OOOOoooooOOOh girl you need curves it's just how you meant to be, when you're skinny you look like you're trying to hard, you look no you really look amazing gabildy goobildee handbags and sparkles blah blah blibbidy blah" which was actually nice to hear considering i've been an insecure mess. So I’m embracing the curves but walking that fine line between Christina Hendricks and Christina Aguilera. I keep waking up every morning and being like I’m going to the gym I’m grocery shopping but what the fuck ever. It's too cold and I’m too angry inside.
What my last entry I said I was going on a dating website. I went on a few duds. Like the one who showed up and was obesely fat and kissed me and pressed his big boner against me like Fat Bastard...I mean I like big guys I’ve dated (fucked) big guys! I like guys that are big dirty hairy daddy piggy boy's oink oink oink FUCK ME! I know that may sound weird but bottom line: if you make me feel petite in any way I’ll go out with you. There's a big difference between big daddy and fat boy! You’re supposed to want to rip someone’s clothes off not put a coat on them! But believe it or not I had a really nice time; I should tell you I’m a PHENOMENAL date! There's never a dull moment, I keep the conversation moving, I'm funny, cute, engaging, I’m quick and witty, I make puns on the fly, I smell nice...I should write a book! I'm skilled in meeting new people and hanging out, what can I tell ya. So fat boy calls me the next day and was like
"Is it weird that I wish I was snuggling with you right now?" and so here it was...I had to be like "listen pal, you're really great but I just don't think we're a match" to which he replied "well if you knew you weren't going to date me you should've just brought me upstairs and fucked me!" and I blinked a couple times and said "well that would've been great for my self esteem!" and he said "well how do you think I feel!?"
"Well listen I don't hate your guts! I actually think you’re really nice and cool and I’d totally hang out again as a friend"
"Friends who fuck?"
"Nah, I’m good" and that was that. Pretty typical and the first first date ever I didn't put out! Don’t know about you but I think that's called progress! Anyway I went out with a second guy and we've been like "dating" I think you call it. I don’t know we'll see...he seems to like me I’ve been trying to be myself in front of him. I think I’ve screwed up too many relationships by pretending to be Barbie so this time I’m just 100% organic farm raised sustainable grass fed double H. It's nice kinda just letting loose, getting finger banged like a school bus slut with family guy on in the background, you know domestic stuff like that. The other day dude literally pulled a dust ball out of my vagina! Of course this would happen to me. He LITERALLY fucked the dust out of my pussy! Now he calls me library book and it's funny, a year ago I probably would've freaked out. But it's cool and very new for me to be with one guy and even entertain the thought of anything happening. I've never done dating before. So many things to consider! Like when you can hear him pee in the bathroom and then realize you over estimated the thickness of the door and the distance from bed to bathroom and he could probably hear everything you were doing in there! Usually a guy is dressed and out the door before I can even have my post coital pee n' queef. 
Anyway let's summarize: I’m an egomaniac comedian who hates comedy, who’s confidence is dwindling by the second, but is still moving towards the horizon slowly but surely. I’m avoiding New Years resolutions. It’s like trying to clean a messy house you neglected for a whole year and now trying to do it all in one day. I don’t want to set myself up for disappointment. Instead of a New Year resolution, how about a daily resolution. Easier to manage, only having to do the best you can in the hours you are awake with the 24 hours you have. So, every day do the best I can, avoid self-criticism and let my adult self be in charge. Also I need to keep the self-pity under careful watch. When in doubt take time to reflect rather than impulsively acting out immature feelings. I’m hoping to have a wonderful year that I can manage to the best of my abilities, rather than passively waiting for it to manage me.
Here we go!!!