Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Like A Drifter I Was Born To Walk Alone

Last weeks blog was a bit topical for me. I rarely get involved with anything that is of public opinion. I keep my opinions to myself because, and only because listening to people's rebuttals is so boring! Anytime some angry big mouthed "concerned citizen" comes up and puts their two cents into what i say or write i just get like all pimple faced adolescent busy playing nintendo and am all "K'AH LEAVE ME FUCKIN ALONE GHHOD 'MOM' SHUT THE FUCHHHUP!" So boring! I have no patience or interest in what other people think which I am aware is not necessarily an attractive quality but I can't help it. All this talk of republicans and caucuses what a fuckin' snooze! The only cauc i want to hear about is the type that gets hard in the morning and has a vein that goes around it like a staircase on a light house! I mean I do wish the world well and all, I’m not a complete animal! I just prefer not to get involved...I know nothin about nothin! People always say "Harriet why don't you pick up a news paper" but I just wiggle my butt and say "well if I pick it up what's my master gonna hit me on the nose with when I’ve been naughty?” And then I zip up my leather mask and crawl back under the coffee table. 
This week I got to participate in something that actually interested me! I got to wear a string bikini and rub pizza all over my tits for a music video! In it I play a bored single mom who then transforms into "the 50 foot woman" as a part of her young son's Oedipal fantasies. Now I know you all are thinking what I was thinking…transform into a 50 foot woman? But Harriet you’re already a monster! LOOK AT THE SIZE OF YOU! You sit on the George Washington Bridge to soak your feet! Yao Ming Looks up to you, you behemoth! Anyway, despite the obvious type casting I think this video is gonna be pretty awesome and people keep promising me this band is gonna be huge (not huger that me!) but who knows. I'm just happy I got the part in something and got to show my "creative side." I was laying on my back and the director kept handing me things to eat, like toy airplanes and cars and then a slice of pizza which I rubbed all over my pepperonis! It was a little HH improv, which lead to "pizza" being a running theme through the entire video. See that! My tits have the power to make story lines! They also have the power to make lines of cocaine disappear! HEY NOW! I'm excited to see it. Ever since I was a little girl I wanted to be a white snake girl and this is the closest I’m ever gonna come! It should be out in the next few weeks and I’ll post it. It's sexy but with that soupcon of retardation that only I can provide to a role. 

Just praying more roles are coming through. It was so depressing watching the golden globes cause of, you know, the extreme jealousy that I have of anyone who is more successful and better dressed than me. Although the dresses didn't knock me out this year. I thought Reese Witherspoon looked the best I’ve ever seen her in that fishtail red playboy bunny Zach Posen dress with that freshly fucked hair. And Salma looked hot but had such a fucking sour puss the whole time. I know you feel presenting with Antonio Banderes demeans you as a hollywood actress in America but you're not an American actress, your accent is hilarious so put on a smile, sing la cucaracha and count your millions you ornery slut! 

This year was particularly an extra big blow to my ego since I auditioned and got call backs for a lot of the shows nominated: The New Girl, 30 Rock,'s all good I really am just grateful to have been in front of those casting directors and I’m still at the age where I can say that without shooting a vein full of draino. It'll happen...and if best believe the needle's ready!
Still trying to fill up my comedy schedule but kind of half assed about it.  I just don’t fucking care anymore, is that terrible? My agent sounds like he's on the brink of suicide every time I talk to him which isn't a good sign not cause i care if he kills himself but cause he’s not booking me at the moment and I don’t have management which i want and I’m just lazy and annoyed that people who suck have management because they're 'adorable!' I used to have the hustle, I USED TO BE ADORABLE, now I’m like “eh if you book me I’ll show up.” Since I stopped promoting at Gotham (yes Waiting To Inhale is over, i know all 2 of you who would actually come are so disappointed) my schedule sucks because one comedy club show always leads to others. I should promote another weekly show somewhere but I want it to be free and preferably not in the drippy basement of some dirty bar. I’ll just let it happen and every minute that I don’t have to sit with a pad and paper and come up with new material is a minute that I can get back to the things that make me happy! Like procrastinating and doing narcotics in the drippy basement of a dirty bar! I do miss performing though. When comedy is fun it’s REALLY FUN and when it’s not it’s kind of A.I.D.S. I’ll pull it together I always do and at least I’m not feeling generally miserable for once in my life so I’m just gonna go ahead and enjoy that for a while.
Have a good weekend! (wanna party? MEOW!)