Well apparently the years of partying have rendered me prudish. Not like prude "I wear panties with crotches" prudish...well kind of...my recent refusal to bone losers has left me with no other options then to be a prude which is such a snooze because I’m horny as a freshman! When sex actually involves blood sweat and tears you have to question whether it's worth it at the end of the day. I am a Victorian lady now! So anyway like I was saying...I've been binge drinking, as I always have, because I don't really know how not too. I think it was Dorothy Parker who said: “If you're going to drink isn't the point to get fucked up?” wait…maybe that wasn’t Dorothy Parker…maybe it was just some guy in a parking lot. But now, I think my time has come. The hangovers are too debilitating! I always drank like a fish but I used to bounce back after a lazy day of a hangover, which in retrospect was quite romantic (Victorian), compared to now! Sick in bed for at least 4 days! I can't breath, I can't see, I can't speak, it's like I have a liver or something! Could have something to do with the fact that I used to have a plate of cocaine in my purse at all times to balance out the alcohol...god, remember how fabulous it was having money???
So I went out on Friday night with some girls I went to high school with... we used to terrorize everybody..think heather's but with flatter hair and 50 year old boyfriends. One of the girls was in a bad way because she got drunk with her new fiancée (yeah I’m fucking thrilled for her) in Montauk over labor day weekend and decided to be a hero and got on a surf board and ended up slamming her face against the board and breaking a tooth! Still not sure if this was an excuse she made up after her fiancée punched her in her smug little engaged face or if that was just my fantasy, but regardless she had a bottle full of percocets with our name on them, because drinking is fun but like I always say, a bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory! So after drinking since 3pm I suggested we break out a couple of those puppies out crush 'em up and snort 'em. As one does for the maximum effect! So we did for nostalgia's sake and it was a blast but I’m paying for it still 4 days later! Along with the hangover came hangover food because I have also got it in my head that I’m too skinny now! Maybe I have become so accustomed to the hourglass (that had all the sand stuck in the middle) but I miss my shake! I'm not happy no matter what. I'm too skinny, I’m too fat but I’m always too poor. I want to be skinny but with something to grab onto. Who will grab onto me is still to be determined. Seriously, it's like I shave my legs and my vageene and my asshole everyday in the shower for this "phantom boyfriend" who's going to touch me! It’s like setting a place for Elijah at the Seder table! Regardless, I've been working out like a mad woman and eating like a normal woman (well, not a normal American woman) for 10 months so I figured you know what! Fuck it! It's my FUCK YOU TO FASHION WEEK! I don't even remember what I ate because I was in a very dark, very cold room watching Woody Allen movies (I have a thing about Jews with inferiority complex's...wonder what that's about) but what was most memorable was the blueberry pancakes with REAL whipped cream, not the fat free shit I keep in my refrigerator for the occasional mid day whip it, I mean real cream from a cow's quivering wet udder... and slathered with butter and side of bacon. Now I feel kind of bloated and fat. It's funny I never regret sleeping with what's his name but I regret the pancakes! Maybe now that I’m able to be flipped around like a pancake I feel like I should be more respectful towards them? Anyway the hangover of death is subsiding. I went to the gym today and sweat out the bottle of tequila and percocets like a good little starlet and vowing to recognize that I can't be drinking like a 12 year old anymore! I'm a lady now! A proper chaste Victorian lady! With perfumed handkerchiefs and a bound corset, who is a delicate flower and sips her brandy and is completely ignorant of intellectual opinion! But who happens to tell dick jokes for a living.
