Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Totes Jade!

I have to say I have reservations about this weight loss endeavor.... I feel like with every pound I lose I lose a pound of funny. I feel like audiences relate more to a slightly rounder HH. This is something I worry about. On the flip side I worry a man will never love me because he'll think that I’m already pregnant. At least now I look like I'm in my 2nd trimester instead of my third. I must say I will miss feigning pregnancy. Its so easy to get a seat on the subway, people let you cut in front of them in line, problem is they yell at you for smoking. 

Well, it's springtime folks! And everyone is in a relationship! If I see another scruffy guy in a knit cap and white cotton Hanes t-shirt and saggy tapered Uniclo jeans with some skinny stylish 19 year old with cut off shorts and McQueen platforms I think I’ll go postal! Yes we know dear, McQueen is dead! We get it! You're paying homage! My god you're so fashionably sympathetic! Someone should really pay attention to you! Everyone thinks they are asserting their individuality but they all look the same, it’s maddening, and yet, they have eachother! They're all friends, they're all lovers, and they all know each other in parks, and cafes, and stop on their skateboard to chat with another one who’s riding a vintage bicycle with no underwear on. And they're always eating haute- mac and cheese sitting outside at a restaurant being like "What are calories?" And then here I come! Galumphing down the street jiggling like Jell-O on a rollercoaster, in my car tarp and heart shaped sunglasses looking like Zsa Zsa on steroids, hissing and booing and saying "well aren't you just little and sexy sexy sexy!" 

Why cant I just be happy and accepting? Why can't I see love and accept it as something real and not some hipster fantasy world? Because THEYRE DISGUSTING THATS WHY! When did I become so jaded and bitter? I think I always was. I remember being 6 and telling my babysitter "After you die people will continue to love and miss you, but after they die, you will most likely be forgotten forever, your only sense of existence is a block of stone with a scribble of words that by now had been weathered and unreadable just like your pitiful rotting corpse 6 feet beneath it." I contradict myself though because I do love people! I love looking at them, I love the energy they can give, I love hearing what they are about, and I love the power of humans....  I just hate the ones who are effortlessly happy. And if you are reading this and you are skinny and sexy and live in a loft and you're a serial monogamist with beautiful men who have always worshiped you and never broken your heart, or if you are a guy who's parents have money and taught you how to sail and put your art work on the refrigerator, and you love going to the gym and getting blowjobs at Sway...YOUR DAY WILL COME MOTHER FUCKER! And when it does I hope it hurts and I hope you learn a little something! And another thing...your artwork SUCKS!

Have a wonderful spring day people! 
Harriet :)