Ahh jeez.
Let me tell you something it’s a glorious day in gods green kingdom. Its almost enough to make me draw open my shades and leave the cavernous darkness of my apartment. God forbid my skin acquire any sort of slight hue. Although, opaque skin isn’t all its cracked up to be. Personally, I’ve always enjoyed skin of the milky variety. Like triple cream in a saucer. I remember learning about a time in Europe, when the paler your skin, the more elite you were perceived to be. Being outside was for peasants and being inside enveloped in a luxurious birdcage was considered à la mode. That Botticelli era where women were likened to nymphs and were thick and buttery and creamy and you could follow the blue veins on their bosoms like a map to ambrosial destinations. That’s how I rationalize my laziness...with delusions of royalty! I'm not opposed to tans, as a matter of fact, I think they're stunning and everyone knows being tan makes you look thinner. I’m rocking the cream now though. I like it with the blond hair its reminiscent of butter and eggs and sugar and pastry crème and things you have to beat to a desired consistency. God knows I could use a good beating. Be taken down a god damned peg!
I went to a typical showbiz type of meeting yesterday. The type where its a messy Jew at a messy desk somewhere in the upstairs offices of time square, above the lights of the billboards and the wandering tourists who insist on walking slow. I sat down and the first thing he told me was to lose 10 lbs. And I mean, he's right and let me tell you, the outfit I decided on didn't leave much to the imagination. I don't own any clothes that are normal or provoke any sort of normalcy. Perhaps I should invest in some, but my god...I'm a single girl in my twenties if not now, when? Forever, probably. I'm gonna be like Cher when im older..pulled tighter than a quilt naying like a horse. He probably thought I was all bound up like a sausage in casing for him, which is just so embarrassing. I wonder if he knows that it’s just all I had. Or if he even gave a shit. I put so much thought into things, which people probably don’t even care about. But maybe that means that it really is for my own legitimate satisfaction. Getting "dolled up," that is. I would never apologize for wanting my hair to bounce when I walk like in the commercials, and my skin to be dewy and smell good and wear clothes without stains and a couple accessories thrown in here and there. The days that I don't I’m constantly running in fear that someone will see me not like that and that would imply that I am inconsistent and sloppy and therefore no one will ever love me and I’ll die alone. Noooo thanks! I’ll go on being a cartoon for the rest of my life thank you very much!
Anyway, I was worried in the meeting that I came off as a total douche and I had no prepared answers for any questions not even, How old are you? He stared into my eyes, I don't know if that is some sort of tactic these types use, but it made me feel...good I guess. They were nice eyes shielded by wire-framed spectacles. They were very intense though. Like a miffed ram. I liked them I suppose. It’s weird when that happens. When people lock into your eyes and don’t let go and try to "get in there." And it’s equally annoying and a little sad when people don’t, and look all around the room when they talk. They don’t think what they say is important so when their eyes flutter around a room like a frenetic butterfly it brings down the stakes.
anyway we'll see what happens. in the meantime i guess i'll stand in front of fives of people on a milk crate at every honkeytonk in town in dresses that are too tight for me spitting nonsense.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Letters to Fara: Freneticly Poetic
(Fara Greenbaum is one of New Yorks premier comedians and can be seen performing everywhere. She's a pal, a muse, a dancing nymph, and brings the house down with the utterings from her face hole. these are our love letters.)
Harriet!
Congrats on the closing! Owning your own place and owning real estate in general is such a thrill and an achievement. I was thinking about it and I think if you do decide to date C you shouldn't worry about not being the star in the relationship because there's no question you will outshine him in any kind of social setting because although he is a compelling performer and has sex appeal, no one will notice him next to you except to be like, "she is waaay too much woman for him." But I think he's good boyfriend material and most likely advantageous. Advantageous is so contagious, it makes one positively courageous like a rock of the ages! Its outraaygeous!. Ran out of things to saygious.
love, Fara
Fara,
HA! thats hilarious! it's true perhaps it wouldnt be that precarious, i would be the one who is most gregarious. and the things id do to him would be nefarious, including kissing, licking places various, if he had already a girl i would live vicarious, but im sure we could find a rabbi who could marry us. I wonder if he is an aquarius....
its true though i kind of love him! such a little scrawny wisp of a thing...i could wrap my legs around him thrice.
xo Harriet
Dear Harriet,
Ahh thrice...that would be nice. One roll of the dice and he's yours for all things vice. Infintely better than mice with lice munching on forbidden rice. But I think he's a picse-s.
xo F
well, regardless of the zodiac for him i am a maniac. If he left id go into arrest of cardiac and my heart would bleed like a hemopheliac. If he can tolerate the simple fact, that i am not a kleptomaniac but a true megolalomaniac, with a great rack, whos teeth are consistently sans-plaque, who never bets at the track but enjoys puree of celeriac and was once a nymphomaniac then maybe for me love would be no lack. Now, dont think me an egomaniac but for him my scent is an aphrodesiac, if i were dead he'd be a necropheliac, and never do his feelings undulate like a piece of wrick wrack or any other kind of brick-a-brack. If they did i'd sing "hit the road jack" but if he did indeed i'd end up missing him like english to an anglomaniac, like the voluptuous horror would miss karen black, like a smoker and his hack. But truth be told, I can't wait to get him in the sack!
-Harriet
Dude you are too funny, wherever you go people should be throwing money. What an adorable little bunny! He'll call you from vegas and opine, honey...I miss you like a day that's sunny....like buttered toast that's nice and runny.....I know this sounds a little punny, have been writing jokes but think am done-y.
-Fara
Harriet!
Congrats on the closing! Owning your own place and owning real estate in general is such a thrill and an achievement. I was thinking about it and I think if you do decide to date C you shouldn't worry about not being the star in the relationship because there's no question you will outshine him in any kind of social setting because although he is a compelling performer and has sex appeal, no one will notice him next to you except to be like, "she is waaay too much woman for him." But I think he's good boyfriend material and most likely advantageous. Advantageous is so contagious, it makes one positively courageous like a rock of the ages! Its outraaygeous!. Ran out of things to saygious.
love, Fara
Fara,
HA! thats hilarious! it's true perhaps it wouldnt be that precarious, i would be the one who is most gregarious. and the things id do to him would be nefarious, including kissing, licking places various, if he had already a girl i would live vicarious, but im sure we could find a rabbi who could marry us. I wonder if he is an aquarius....
its true though i kind of love him! such a little scrawny wisp of a thing...i could wrap my legs around him thrice.
xo Harriet
Dear Harriet,
Ahh thrice...that would be nice. One roll of the dice and he's yours for all things vice. Infintely better than mice with lice munching on forbidden rice. But I think he's a picse-s.
xo F
well, regardless of the zodiac for him i am a maniac. If he left id go into arrest of cardiac and my heart would bleed like a hemopheliac. If he can tolerate the simple fact, that i am not a kleptomaniac but a true megolalomaniac, with a great rack, whos teeth are consistently sans-plaque, who never bets at the track but enjoys puree of celeriac and was once a nymphomaniac then maybe for me love would be no lack. Now, dont think me an egomaniac but for him my scent is an aphrodesiac, if i were dead he'd be a necropheliac, and never do his feelings undulate like a piece of wrick wrack or any other kind of brick-a-brack. If they did i'd sing "hit the road jack" but if he did indeed i'd end up missing him like english to an anglomaniac, like the voluptuous horror would miss karen black, like a smoker and his hack. But truth be told, I can't wait to get him in the sack!
-Harriet
Dude you are too funny, wherever you go people should be throwing money. What an adorable little bunny! He'll call you from vegas and opine, honey...I miss you like a day that's sunny....like buttered toast that's nice and runny.....I know this sounds a little punny, have been writing jokes but think am done-y.
-Fara
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Letters to Fara: chicken soup for the poon
(Fara Greenbaum is one of New Yorks premier comedians and can be seen performing everywhere. She's a pal, a muse, a dancing nymph, and brings the house down with the utterings from her face hole. these are our love letters.)
Dear Harriet
Hey baby how's it going? Anything new and exciting? Or old and dull? Or relatively recent and moderately enticing? Just finished work and have taken myself out on the prowl to an upper east side cigar bar I frequent to see if there are any eligible candidates to sink my claws into. Am trying to fall off the wagon, have come to the end of the line, damn the consequences! Seems somewhat promising. Wish me luck!
Love, Fara
Fara My LOVE!
nothing much over here. same old slut in a rut! except with a fever. yes, i have the flu. but i have a feeling i'll be back to normal tomorrow. i hope its not the bird flu from that feather boa ive been wearing around the house recently. i had to cancel all my apointments and i had a show tonight i cancelled. yech! Im trying to listen to my body and its telling me to slow the fuck down. so im listening. its been a long time since i lied in my bed all day and watched movies. kind of nice but im beginning to go bonkers. You never really realize how alone you are until your sick and alone. Its times like these when i wish i had a staff. I have to go out and brave the cold myself to get my own tylanol cold and flu. I should have a bevy of mignons both obedient and culturally diverse to cater to and entertain me. its degrading and going against the thread of my being that i dont!
I wish i was on the prowl with you. we could throw on something gorgeous and jewel toned, a pair of heels and some good lingerei and torture a couple of greying divorcee's for a while. It would be nice, for me at least, to be to torturer instead of the torturee for an evening. people think im a man eater but im really just man chow (overprocessed dehydrated meat scraps with no watch, no underwear, no problem) I like the idea of us being these well minked champagne wielding comediennes lookin' for a coupl'a good time charlies ta take the ol' chevy out for a spin! We'll say things like "hey buster" and "howabout a little cincinatti wiggle to go with that shake?" or "Hey fellas, charlie chaplan aint the only tramp in this town."
slam hard of that wagon sis! make me proud!
-Harriet
Dear H,
Dude you're FUCKING HILARIOUS!!! Didn't find anything worthy have given up and am going home. There's always tomorrow! Appearantly. Hope you feel better, I just know a cadre of (filet) mignons is in your future!
-Fara
Dear fara,
oh that is funny! i meant minion! ive been on raw food for too long. my mind is on the butchery. which means the only wagon ill be falling off is the produce one so there probably is mignons in my future. bleek but delicious.
-H
Harriet,
Maybe that is the answer to the eternal food problem. I should have some steak and then the sheer pain and agony and grossness of the indigestibility not to mention the distended belly will surely put me off food for at least three days. Hmmmm, a possible tactic.
-F
Fara,
you know an old oak panneled somber steak house might go perfectly with our new carousing she-savage souse image...
-Harriet
Dear Harriet
Hey baby how's it going? Anything new and exciting? Or old and dull? Or relatively recent and moderately enticing? Just finished work and have taken myself out on the prowl to an upper east side cigar bar I frequent to see if there are any eligible candidates to sink my claws into. Am trying to fall off the wagon, have come to the end of the line, damn the consequences! Seems somewhat promising. Wish me luck!
Love, Fara
Fara My LOVE!
nothing much over here. same old slut in a rut! except with a fever. yes, i have the flu. but i have a feeling i'll be back to normal tomorrow. i hope its not the bird flu from that feather boa ive been wearing around the house recently. i had to cancel all my apointments and i had a show tonight i cancelled. yech! Im trying to listen to my body and its telling me to slow the fuck down. so im listening. its been a long time since i lied in my bed all day and watched movies. kind of nice but im beginning to go bonkers. You never really realize how alone you are until your sick and alone. Its times like these when i wish i had a staff. I have to go out and brave the cold myself to get my own tylanol cold and flu. I should have a bevy of mignons both obedient and culturally diverse to cater to and entertain me. its degrading and going against the thread of my being that i dont!
I wish i was on the prowl with you. we could throw on something gorgeous and jewel toned, a pair of heels and some good lingerei and torture a couple of greying divorcee's for a while. It would be nice, for me at least, to be to torturer instead of the torturee for an evening. people think im a man eater but im really just man chow (overprocessed dehydrated meat scraps with no watch, no underwear, no problem) I like the idea of us being these well minked champagne wielding comediennes lookin' for a coupl'a good time charlies ta take the ol' chevy out for a spin! We'll say things like "hey buster" and "howabout a little cincinatti wiggle to go with that shake?" or "Hey fellas, charlie chaplan aint the only tramp in this town."
slam hard of that wagon sis! make me proud!
-Harriet
Dear H,
Dude you're FUCKING HILARIOUS!!! Didn't find anything worthy have given up and am going home. There's always tomorrow! Appearantly. Hope you feel better, I just know a cadre of (filet) mignons is in your future!
-Fara
Dear fara,
oh that is funny! i meant minion! ive been on raw food for too long. my mind is on the butchery. which means the only wagon ill be falling off is the produce one so there probably is mignons in my future. bleek but delicious.
-H
Harriet,
Maybe that is the answer to the eternal food problem. I should have some steak and then the sheer pain and agony and grossness of the indigestibility not to mention the distended belly will surely put me off food for at least three days. Hmmmm, a possible tactic.
-F
Fara,
you know an old oak panneled somber steak house might go perfectly with our new carousing she-savage souse image...
-Harriet
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Letters to Fara: pumping sunshine
(Fara Greenbaum is one of New Yorks premier comedians and can be seen performing everywhere. She's a pal, a muse, a dancing nymph, and brings the house down with the utterings from her face hole. these are our love letters.)
Fara,
so...self fulfilled? i had a beautiful raw dinner with a greenbaum, and made out (etc...) with a 21 year old Australian male model. done and done. needless to say my debocherous behavior that ensued after you left was one for the books. today i feel much like you were describing your feeling after Miami. dirty, sad, dumb. but whatever. no regrets they say. thank you for being so "non-judgmental." you really saw me in position/place that i don't often see myself in any more (i.e. my filthy apartment, dazed, foggy, and whoreish) and even though you assured me that you didn't care, i did and still do. I see that i am really hard on myself too and alot of what you were saying last night, although maybe not as extreme, i am guilty of also. it sucks letting yourself down but i guess the lesson is not setting up those parameters in the first place and try living more spontaneously and in the moment. easier said and done. i just want us to be successful and happy and wealthy and just positively beaming with self awareness. i think we both deserve it. two girls, over a decade apart, totally different stories and backgrounds, but with individual yet similar neuroses who perhaps are too smart for their own good and are funny as fuck. what now?
today my apartment got cleaned, I'm sitting here with some cayenne lemonade and a deep conditioning treatment in my hair, reruns of Beverly hills 90210 in the background and thinking about how to pick up these pieces and make sure that 2008 is a catalyst for success. its gonna all be different.
thanks for hanging out with me, you're the best dude.
xoxo
Harriet
H,
Dude what's up? How's it hangin'? Oh wait, there's no party if it's hangin
Did you stay or did you go now? Just finished double shift clusterfuck fuckfestival but not the good kind. Am feeling restless and disconsolate and kind of disenfranchised with a deep suspicion that it's my own doing. Oh well, about to drink a glass of veuve to shut the whirring machine down so I can call it a day and start again tomorrow risen from the ashes like the pheonix!
Yes 2008 is the year for success and happiness and wealth and mental, physical, spiritual and emotional health!!! I am almost free of my indiscretion. One great thing is that there are unlimited powers of transformation, and wherever we are right now, with whatever immediate circumstances and level of success, wealth and well being can be taken to the next level now, no matter what happened before, last year, ten years ago or five minutes ago. I'm just gonna regenerate myself like the snake that I am, shed some skin and grow it fresh. I'm glad we have bonded and become friends, we can pump sunshine up each others ass!!!
Fara,
so...self fulfilled? i had a beautiful raw dinner with a greenbaum, and made out (etc...) with a 21 year old Australian male model. done and done. needless to say my debocherous behavior that ensued after you left was one for the books. today i feel much like you were describing your feeling after Miami. dirty, sad, dumb. but whatever. no regrets they say. thank you for being so "non-judgmental." you really saw me in position/place that i don't often see myself in any more (i.e. my filthy apartment, dazed, foggy, and whoreish) and even though you assured me that you didn't care, i did and still do. I see that i am really hard on myself too and alot of what you were saying last night, although maybe not as extreme, i am guilty of also. it sucks letting yourself down but i guess the lesson is not setting up those parameters in the first place and try living more spontaneously and in the moment. easier said and done. i just want us to be successful and happy and wealthy and just positively beaming with self awareness. i think we both deserve it. two girls, over a decade apart, totally different stories and backgrounds, but with individual yet similar neuroses who perhaps are too smart for their own good and are funny as fuck. what now?
today my apartment got cleaned, I'm sitting here with some cayenne lemonade and a deep conditioning treatment in my hair, reruns of Beverly hills 90210 in the background and thinking about how to pick up these pieces and make sure that 2008 is a catalyst for success. its gonna all be different.
thanks for hanging out with me, you're the best dude.
xoxo
Harriet
H,
Dude what's up? How's it hangin'? Oh wait, there's no party if it's hangin
Did you stay or did you go now? Just finished double shift clusterfuck fuckfestival but not the good kind. Am feeling restless and disconsolate and kind of disenfranchised with a deep suspicion that it's my own doing. Oh well, about to drink a glass of veuve to shut the whirring machine down so I can call it a day and start again tomorrow risen from the ashes like the pheonix!
Yes 2008 is the year for success and happiness and wealth and mental, physical, spiritual and emotional health!!! I am almost free of my indiscretion. One great thing is that there are unlimited powers of transformation, and wherever we are right now, with whatever immediate circumstances and level of success, wealth and well being can be taken to the next level now, no matter what happened before, last year, ten years ago or five minutes ago. I'm just gonna regenerate myself like the snake that I am, shed some skin and grow it fresh. I'm glad we have bonded and become friends, we can pump sunshine up each others ass!!!
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Letters to Fara: The Set Up
(Fara Greenbaum is one of New Yorks premier comedians and can be seen performing everywhere. She's a pal, a muse, a dancing nymph, and brings the house down with the utterings from her face hole. these are our love letters.)
Harriet,
Am on way back this morning (wed) after yet another night of questionable or maybe just bad decision making and only 1.5 hrs sleep. Let's get together fri night if you're avail. I can share with you all of my latest sordid tales that I am at this very moment trying desperately to find the funny thing about, which I'm convinced is going to be most hilarious all time ever. So far haven't found it.
-Fara
Fara,
im sure i can lend a hand in finding the humor in your debochery. i find the truth is always the funniest ergo misery and pain and humiliaton. i dont know if thats the correct usage of ergo..but it is now. speaking of ...i havent written shit for weeks. i need to get my shit together and write some shit down. all i do is watch shit and i dont write any shit. just do all of the same old shit over and over. but every cloud has a shitty lining. whats good for the goose is good for the shit. dont cry over spilt shit. i have brain constipation. i want regularity. (maybe the raw food will do the trick!) I'll make us a reservation at Pure Food and Wine.
xoxo
HH
HH,
Awesome am looking forward to it. We can find the shiny shinola in the shit
-FG
Harriet,
Am on way back this morning (wed) after yet another night of questionable or maybe just bad decision making and only 1.5 hrs sleep. Let's get together fri night if you're avail. I can share with you all of my latest sordid tales that I am at this very moment trying desperately to find the funny thing about, which I'm convinced is going to be most hilarious all time ever. So far haven't found it.
-Fara
Fara,
im sure i can lend a hand in finding the humor in your debochery. i find the truth is always the funniest ergo misery and pain and humiliaton. i dont know if thats the correct usage of ergo..but it is now. speaking of ...i havent written shit for weeks. i need to get my shit together and write some shit down. all i do is watch shit and i dont write any shit. just do all of the same old shit over and over. but every cloud has a shitty lining. whats good for the goose is good for the shit. dont cry over spilt shit. i have brain constipation. i want regularity. (maybe the raw food will do the trick!) I'll make us a reservation at Pure Food and Wine.
xoxo
HH
HH,
Awesome am looking forward to it. We can find the shiny shinola in the shit
-FG
Saturday, February 2, 2008
trying
trying to stay skinny is a taxing endeavor indeed. im so hungry i could eat cancer. actually its the processed stuff i could really go for but fused with french cuisine?. like boudin noir flavored dorritos. or broken up pieces of oreos and ding dongs and ho hos swimming in creme anglaise. sour cream and onion pringles with creme fraiche and black caviar. fish stix still wet with oil with shaved white truffles on top dipped in lemon aioli. a steamy porous baguette that when you rip it open it gives forth a cornacopia of bubbling cheezwhiz. god, i could squirt. food is so sexual to me. probably because its so forbidden. i want to wear pita as a panty liner (a va-gyro?)
i like losing weight though. that is when i notice that im losing it. sometimes it feels like im going through so much self inflicted punishment only to look in the mirror and see that there is no justification. no ends to the means. (or whatever)
let me just disclaim that when i say punishment i mean deprivation. its not like i beat my self senseless with a porcelaine toilet seat or drink specified measurements of monkey seamen or anything (as) outrageous as that. just good old fashioned deprivation. pretending that bib lettuce is bread and so forth.
i like feeling clean too. the less thats in my body the cleaner and healthier i feel i suppose. because im exersizing and eating the right foods that are said to seamlessly digest. although i'd give up the chastity of my stomach right now for some birthday cake. with cookie pudding filling. adorned with pink frosting. and sprnkles. and bacon.... and a lobster.
but no! this glass of water is delicious.
(please send bacon)
i like losing weight though. that is when i notice that im losing it. sometimes it feels like im going through so much self inflicted punishment only to look in the mirror and see that there is no justification. no ends to the means. (or whatever)
let me just disclaim that when i say punishment i mean deprivation. its not like i beat my self senseless with a porcelaine toilet seat or drink specified measurements of monkey seamen or anything (as) outrageous as that. just good old fashioned deprivation. pretending that bib lettuce is bread and so forth.
i like feeling clean too. the less thats in my body the cleaner and healthier i feel i suppose. because im exersizing and eating the right foods that are said to seamlessly digest. although i'd give up the chastity of my stomach right now for some birthday cake. with cookie pudding filling. adorned with pink frosting. and sprnkles. and bacon.... and a lobster.
but no! this glass of water is delicious.
(please send bacon)
letters to fara
Dear Fara,
im thinking im gonna go up to my moms and do another fast ..i dunno im debating.i feel like i need an entire body cleansing! im full of bullshit Fara. i love the idea of dining with you at purefood. and gazing at imatiated gentlemen with mustaches drinking organic wine and raising a single eyebrow in they're hemp woven cartigans over vintage vests and guns and roses t-shirts. the kind of guy whos bark is bigger than his bite. who smells like sweet ripened camembert and whose breath tastes like faint white truffles. He's a morrisey fan, but when hillary duff just "pops up" on his shuffle he wont change it and lye to himself, pretending that a friend downloaded it when everyone knows he loves that new song and would totally do her. He drinks espresso in the morning with "sugar in the raw" and doesnt believe in watches. he reads w. somerset maugham in public places. He has a lot of friends. he's a b list fashion photographers assistant. he likes tender sex but hes all about the cum shot. he dated a girl for 3 months until he found out she was actually 16 and he loves telling that story because it makes him look astonished and silly and like a victim. but she was so hot, and had perfect curves, but not like intimidating curves, just soft. The kind of guy who steers clear of political debates not because hes neutral or even meek but just secretly ignorant. He likes to "text message." He peels oranges and gives you half. when your naked he's all "don't move i have to sketch you!" and gets a pad and actually does it and its awkward cause your thinking "what is this turn of the century paris? is he really sketching me? should i get up and fucking strum a lute or something? but hes sketching me so...he thinks im pretty!?!" his name is something like Basil or Bayne... something unusual and sort of nordic with a B.
anyway one of those.
have so much fun in florida. you work hard and you deserve it. bring me back some sun. i need it. lets talk soon.
xoxo
Harriet
Dearest Harriet,
Dude you are hilarious. Love your detailed analysis of the raw food guy. I was thinking more along the lines of go eat raw food, and then, in another land far far away, where they probably eat steak, from kobe of course, find a man who thinks he's hotshit, is always vaguely or specifically dissatisfied and ideally angry, in a throw you up against a wall kind of way. When he walks into the room everyone is terrified because his presence creates a kind of black hole vortex. He sends things back in restaurants, wears striped shirts, owns prime real estate in all the right places, is either married or dates 23 year olds or both, and is very creative.......about making money. That's what I'm talkin bout.
xo Fara
Fara,
dude! you just described my father! freud is just killing me softly every chance he gets.
-HH
(Fara Greenbaum is one of New Yorks premier comedians and can be seen performing everywhere. She's a pal, a muse, a dancing nymph, and brings the house down with the utterings from her face hole. these are our love letters.)
im thinking im gonna go up to my moms and do another fast ..i dunno im debating.i feel like i need an entire body cleansing! im full of bullshit Fara. i love the idea of dining with you at purefood. and gazing at imatiated gentlemen with mustaches drinking organic wine and raising a single eyebrow in they're hemp woven cartigans over vintage vests and guns and roses t-shirts. the kind of guy whos bark is bigger than his bite. who smells like sweet ripened camembert and whose breath tastes like faint white truffles. He's a morrisey fan, but when hillary duff just "pops up" on his shuffle he wont change it and lye to himself, pretending that a friend downloaded it when everyone knows he loves that new song and would totally do her. He drinks espresso in the morning with "sugar in the raw" and doesnt believe in watches. he reads w. somerset maugham in public places. He has a lot of friends. he's a b list fashion photographers assistant. he likes tender sex but hes all about the cum shot. he dated a girl for 3 months until he found out she was actually 16 and he loves telling that story because it makes him look astonished and silly and like a victim. but she was so hot, and had perfect curves, but not like intimidating curves, just soft. The kind of guy who steers clear of political debates not because hes neutral or even meek but just secretly ignorant. He likes to "text message." He peels oranges and gives you half. when your naked he's all "don't move i have to sketch you!" and gets a pad and actually does it and its awkward cause your thinking "what is this turn of the century paris? is he really sketching me? should i get up and fucking strum a lute or something? but hes sketching me so...he thinks im pretty!?!" his name is something like Basil or Bayne... something unusual and sort of nordic with a B.
anyway one of those.
have so much fun in florida. you work hard and you deserve it. bring me back some sun. i need it. lets talk soon.
xoxo
Harriet
Dearest Harriet,
Dude you are hilarious. Love your detailed analysis of the raw food guy. I was thinking more along the lines of go eat raw food, and then, in another land far far away, where they probably eat steak, from kobe of course, find a man who thinks he's hotshit, is always vaguely or specifically dissatisfied and ideally angry, in a throw you up against a wall kind of way. When he walks into the room everyone is terrified because his presence creates a kind of black hole vortex. He sends things back in restaurants, wears striped shirts, owns prime real estate in all the right places, is either married or dates 23 year olds or both, and is very creative.......about making money. That's what I'm talkin bout.
xo Fara
Fara,
dude! you just described my father! freud is just killing me softly every chance he gets.
-HH
(Fara Greenbaum is one of New Yorks premier comedians and can be seen performing everywhere. She's a pal, a muse, a dancing nymph, and brings the house down with the utterings from her face hole. these are our love letters.)
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