Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Birthday Party

Aaahhhh back in NYC the land of missed opportunity, where the streets are paved with old. 
I lost 30 lbs! On top of the lipo, or combined with which is nice. The bod is lookin good fellas, the bod is lookin good! My stomach is flat, my ass is nice and high and big still. I got that black girl ass, but my credit is good so COME ‘N GET IT! It's hard to navigate though because we just lose weight for men? I know there's women who say they don't and then spit tabacee and burn their bra's, but I'm not sure...I can, however, relate to the great Dolly Parton when she said in her light as air Tennessee twang: "I was the first woman to burn my bra - it took the fire department four days to put it out!" All I know is I feel a hell of a lot happier, but the male attention is hard to ignore! I've been like dating, and usually a date to me is a number 6 value meal and a taxi cab bj, but this time it's like drinks, or dinners in real restaurants, and conversation! And I don't have to pay! It's disorienting. People are still freak shows though…
I went out with this dude who I fucked like two years ago. It was fun but I never saw him again cause he had Hitler pubes and I was over it...meaning he shaved his pubes into a tiny Hitler mustache right on top of his dick. Uhhhhhyeah...that’s a deal breaker...Is that a dick or a giant labia, Jenna Jameson? Holy kamoly! But you know what we always stayed in touch on the phone and stuff so we built a good friendship basis, which is cool, OH and we have the same birthday, which is crazy astrological TNT. Anyway I get back from LA, actually I had some gigs in Boston so I got back from Boston and he invites me over to his apt (remember when I said guys are taking me out for dinner and drinks, steps) and I went cause I figured we already boned what's the big deal. I walk in and he's got like nude portraits of women all over his apartment, which was a little precious, and he takes me over to a bulletin board in his office with all the girls he's fucked on it and he was like "look baby you're picture's in the middle" Come on people! That's a little serial killer...I mean!!! I made the pussy board! Round of applause! So whatever, I laugh it off, we have a couple drinks, smoke some trees, and I’m like falling asleep cuz I’ve been traveling for 48 hours so he's like, "Baby why don't you just stay here and sleep I want you to feel comfortable here" So I said ok cuz I was all the way in Brooklyn and tired as hell and his bed was actually comfortable enough (I happen to have really high mattress, and thread count standards, my other standards are questionable but mind your business!) so I’m falling asleep and moan "I'm sorry I’m totally a wet sandwich falling asleep while you want to party and hang out, I feel bad" and he goes "Oh it's alright baby, you go to sleep, I’ll just jerk off to porn on the computer for a couple hours!" Ummmm! I sat up and I yelped "You have a naked woman sleeping in your bed right now and you're gonna jerk off to other women two feet away from me, WHILE I'M SLEEPING cause I won't put out! Doesn't that sound creepy to you?" 
"Well when you put it like that it does sound a little creepy," he said "But, I'm not going to like jerk off on you!”
"Well at least then I’d be involved!" 
Anyway, I got dressed and got the hell out of there. I can't with the sex addicts; they’re just such a nuisance.
But, things are cool with him and me, but I think it’s probably better to just be friends and I can get him some tail to feed that aching hunger and fill up that bulletin board. The other dudes are cool. One in particular I’m kinda crushin on...I mean we'll see.
I do really miss LA. I miss seeing a horizon when I look out my window and not the naked fat couple across the alleyway (my parents live across the street, everybody loves raymond style) Not sure where I need to be right now. 
Tomorrow is me and Hitler dicks birthday! I'm having a big show at 8pm at Gotham Comedy Club I really really think you should come if you are in the area...then we can have a cocktail or 50!