Thursday, November 17, 2011

Sugar Spice and Everything Irritating

My life has become like the movie Groundhog Day with Bill Murray except I don’t set an alarm with Sonny and Cher, I don't do anything period, and my face doesn’t look like a melted candle. I wake up every morning at 9:11am (never forget) and pee (a towering inferno) then get back into bed and sleep till like 11ish try to make myself go to the gym, if I do or I don’t I always end up back in bed watching TV till like two then falling back asleep and then crawling out of bed to do a comedy show then crawling back in bed more TV more sleep. Then wake up again at 9:11am (never forget) and pee (a towering inferno) and so on and so on and so on YEESH! The daily grind! I’m exhausted! I don't know how you employed people do it! I will admit as much as my delusions of celebrity don’t permit me to say, I really do need to get a real job and I’m sure it'll help my depression. Like getting out of bed for a reason other than urination and delivery boys (don't get any ideas...the only Mexican in my bed is the take out container I keep under my pillow so I don't have to get up when I’m sleep eating rice and beans by the angry fist full) might be nice. I need to figure out what it is I am capable of doing other than snorting pills, having unprotected sex with losers, and doing physical comedy with extreme facial expression! Maybe dentistry? What I like to do is isolate myself and then wonder why I feel so isolated! In my pursuit of trying to make more friends I've realized that other girls are just not like me. Like for one thing I’m well groomed and ummm that’s what I spend my money on…that’s...normal! I’m very expensive and I’m very high maintenance. It would be dishonest to the thread of my being to have pimples and no nailpolish on. I get my nails done every week, my hair done twice a month (once for color and once for extensions. I enjoy a full bouncy blonde mane...see a lot of women don’t think about proportions. I am gigantic with gigantic boobs so I need a lot of hair to balance it out. Duh! It’s like physics…or something) go tanning couple times a month (not as much as I’d like, I’m trying to cut back...not because of skin cancer but because tanning is a little frivolous...I like to be golden and rosy everywhere and feel disgusting when I’m pasty and pale but a package is like 200 bucks and it's November and I’m always teetering on the edge of suicide so might as well be a ghost and see what that feels like...sometimes I jingle chains and howl just to practice and piss off the neighbors or the stranger in my bed!) then there's skin care, perfume, makeup which is a huge expense...I shat out Tammy Faye’s corpse this morning! Then there's clothes which lets face it, because of my fluctuating weight I wear the same thing every day, leggings and a low cut t shirt that is either dressed up with some diamond jewelry and big pageant hair and makeup or dressed down with a head band and chicken grease. The point is that I have a beauty regimen that I have had since I was very young and girls in New York, I’m discovering are pretty but crunchy. Most of my friends are either girls in high school that feared me so much they did and wore whatever I told them, or gay guys. Now I’m like making "girlfriends" and they roll out of bed put on chapstick and some secret (strong enough for a man, but ph balanced for a mannish woman) and keep it pushin! I'm not hating it's just different! And they look at me like I’m crazy! I've just always been super girly. Things like sports, news, voting, driving a car, paying for dinner have just never been subjects that interest me. My mom was the same way...she'd wake up at around 9:12 (she forgets) after my brother and I were off to school, have coffee and read vogue in her california king sized bed, usually wearing nothing but sheets (daddy was always hungry), then she’d start her morning toilette, do a little shopping or have lunch or whatever the fuck she did with her time, but by the time she was done it was time to pick us up from school looking REDICULOUS! My mom was always the hottest mom...she'd be wearing some skin tight skirt and jacket and always in heels and would wiggle and click around the school hallways in a cloud of Tresor perfume to pick us up. The other mothers hated her and I fucking loved it! In a lot of ways she's to blame for my “loosy goosey-ness” (that's what they call “loose girls” in the animal kingdom) it could also have something to do with my lifelong obsession with playboy magazine and the golden age of Hollywood which influenced my aspirations of not only being an actress but being glamorous, gorgeous and delicious at all times, which sounds like a lot of pressure but I know no different. Sounds sick but my mother taught me that to be feminine and to be "pretty" came along with responsibility. A woman’s power is in her sexuality not her head...well that’s not true, she taught me that giving head is very important. That is terrible parenting! How could that not fuck me over? In my family, the focus was on the male and the girls were there to take care of them and look good doing it. There is a huge part of me that wants to do that just from conditioning but forgetting all the superficiality, from my instinctual desire to be a mother. Yes that's right! Just cuz I’m the honkey tonk whisky swilling (my mother taught me how to be feminine) life of the party who is not necessarily the most responsible or stable member of society I do very badly want to have babies and confession time! That’s always been my number one dream before being an entertainer that touches the hearts and penises of millions! Being a mommy and a wifey is what I really want to accomplish in this life (I think i just felt all the male readers collective boners go down.) People who know me know I’ll take care of them, I’m very nurturing and supportive, I’ll feed them delicious home cooked food, they can trust me, that's why I have such a big warm bosom, for nuzzling and feeling safe so stop wasting all those perfectly good sperms all over it...DAD! (Too edgy? I won't open with it.) But I want to accomplish other things too and even though, despite my sort of vintage values that I grew up with (like always have something baking and never share needles with the poor) I do disagree that women are less than. I always was under the assumption we were all the same and just humans. The battle of the sexes to me is the same as the battle of races and religions it all comes down to: we're the same so chill. For instance I hate female comics who say they’re "female comics" we're all comedians don't try to put yourself in a category because you're not as good as the guys so you need to feel comfortable segregated in a category that is "taking over the comedy scene" the thing is women can be funnier than males they just aren't most of the time and women are out numbered, as far as headliners and television personalities, but women just need to go out on stage and make people cry laughing! Why does it have to be so "game changing" to be funny? This is the job description: make people laugh. If bodily fluids are evacuated in the process, gold star sugar tits! Anyway, relax ladies and would it KILL you to put on a little makeup!?