Friday, December 31, 2010

Goodbye 2010...Hello Tall Dark and Hung???

Well ok it’s the last day of 2010 and I am on day 3 of a juice fast! Yes that’s right! I haven't eaten anything for 3 days just juices and tea. I'm peeing every 2 minutes like an asshole...actually like a pee hole!
I decided to bring in 2011 without a hangover and instead with crippling hunger...Some of you may already know this, but my mom owns a yoga and fasting retreat on the east end of long island. She guides women and [femmy] men through fasting everyday, she wrote a book on it yada yada yada (THIS ISN'T ABOUT HER!) and is always begging my fat toxic ass to come down and defat and detox but I never do because I rebel against well being (She said as she leaned against her motorcycle, combed her ducks ass, and snarled with a cigarette dangling out of her mouth!)
Alright lets make a 2010 check list
- continued to support myself being a stand up comedian (ok! that's a good one...check)
-produced some great sold out shows (awesome...check) 
-got a significant amount of press (sure.... check) 
-OMG quit smoking! (big one...we'll see if it lasts...check!)
-I was on TV (ok good...had a guest spot on a show made with a camcorder on a gay network...TV! check!)
-made some folks laugh (that's always nice, right?...check)
-developed my website and "brand" (paid someone way too much money to draw a cartoon of me...check)
-began working on a new play with a script I’m obsessed with (illegitimate theater but who cares cause its amazing work with an amazing writer and actor...check!)
-had no real connection with anybody worth while or any decent sex (high kick! check)
-ate fried chicken once a week (rock n' roll! check)
-watched TONS of television (SHOW US YOUR TITS! check)

2011's my year though man. I can feel it! I mean I say that every year but...some good shit will happen. “I'm gonna be a STAH daddy! Ma name up in LIGHTS daddy!” I got big plans! First of all I’m going to be nicer to myself because I can be such a cunt to me. Second of all the career is going significantly in an upward direction. What else…let’s see…I'm going to leave the house more! Being a member of society is really daunting and unappealing (I’m a sitter, not a doer) but let's see if I can do it. Do I want a dude? Yeesh I mean I do but I’m so scared of all that! So I’m just going to say no for now and continue to complain that I’m still single for a living. Is that sabotage? All right here's a good one! I want to have an "open” heart in 2011! That's a good one right!? And hopefully this year it's not full of cocaine and trans fats. My heart is open to receive love...much like my hole, penis garage, nana's homemade slit pie, whatever you want to call it. Truthfully I have a really good feeling about this year for the world too. I have a feeling things are going to turn around a little will be made people will be happier. I dunno it's my psychic vision, and not just because I’m sitting here typing this wearing a turban and smelling of cumin. In retrospect every year that goes by is better than the last, even if it was really shitty you always come out on the other end better for the experience...they say...who the fuck knows.... not me that's for goddamned sure! Oh my other new years resolution is to curse more and do children’s birthday parties. 
Happy FUCKIN New Year little kiddies. Thanks for following along for a year and let's make the next one fuckin METAL!!!!