Friday, January 13, 2012

I'm Pretty Much The Worst Person Ever

This was a productive week. First of all on Monday I got called into jury duty the first time in my life. I had such anxiety about going, I’ve never been a "participating member of society before" I only started voting the last election but just because people were torturing me about registering and I’d look like an asshole if I didn't and now look what I got out of it, no job no money and jury duty! I do things that are considered "illegal" in this country (smoke pot, steal prescriptions drugs from people who actually need them, piss on cars...) and I rarely leave my apartment or think about anything other than myself so why would I be considered a member of society! So I call my dad, who is terrible in a crisis even though I always go to him when I’m in one because I’m a peroxide blonde Jewish girl from the upper east side and that's what we FUCKING DO! OK? ALRIGHT!? IS THAT OK WITH YOU!? I said "daddy this blows how do I get out of it?" he told me not to show up, that he and my mother have not gone to jury duty once in their lives and uncle so and so says "if they don't send you a certified letta, it got lawst in the mail!" This is the same uncle who lived in a mansion that "fell off a truck!" And be careful! I learned the hard way with him cause if you asked how a house could possibly fall off a truck you'd get a slap on your vagina! Anyway apparently the jury duty system has changed since the 70's and now if you don't show up you get a bench warrant out for your arrest and the way I drive I can't risk that although I’m still wondering what the difference is between a holding cell and sitting in jury duty like an asshole for 3 days other than in jail they at least give you a fuckin sandwich! So I decide, I’m going, I gotta go, it is what it is, if I can sit through a show at the creek and the cave I can do anything. I ask my dad what I should wear and he says "I would wear something very sexy and low cut" as if I own anything else I wore the craziest push up bra I have a low cut t shirt that said "heart breaker" on it, a tiny sweatshirt, tights that you can see my ass through with so much camel toe the fabric of the tights actually re-grew my hymen and then broke it and ugg boots for that added touch of "I take nothing seriously." Basically I looked like coco without the class. There was NO way I was going to stay there! First thing my name get's chosen out of the bucket to go serve on a case that would last 3 weeks if I was chosen. I walk into the courtroom all the lawyers are staring at me like I’m the last necktie on sale at Lord & Boring. finally I get called to tell them my excuse which was "I’m poor and depressed and can't focus on a case because I’m a mess of a human being" and I got let go and don't have to serve for the next 6 years! I swear I’ve never felt like I’ve won something in my life and I won! I did cartwheels home! Who knew cheating the justice system could feel so freeing! I wanted to pound 12 beers and cut off all my hair and go running naked through a field! 
The rest of the week went even better, I had a big audition for a part I probably won't get in a movie that I’m not famous enough to be in, a couple shows, some sex and some pancakes, I was on Howard Stern radio for like the 5th time now, I did a podcast, some meetings about potential was honestly the most productive week I’ve had in months so I hope I keep it up.
I can't stop eating and decided next week I’m starting with the trainer I can't afford again and getting my fucking body together. It's astonishing how quickly weight can be put on when you go from eating 1200 to 70,000 calories a day! I was looking so unbelievable and I knew I’d fuck it up because after all I am "hungry hungry halloway!" (sigh) I’m still nowhere near what I used to be but I will be soon if I don't fucking pull in the reigns and watch it. Slippery slope kids! I know I shouldn't have such an eating disorder or care what I look like and love myself and shit but I can't help it. I'm very vain. I probably think this blog is about me. (god that was clever!)
My friend comedian j-l cauvin ( asked me if I would do his podcast where the concept is he finds a comic who is a die hard fan of something and then debates them on why what they love sucks which personally I think is hilarious! I was really racking my brain (which is in my rack) to think about what I’m a fan of! I'm literally not a fan of anything past the year 1997 which I’m not sure makes me incredibly cool or incredibly cynical, horrible, bitter, and stupid. I think television sucks, I think the writing is awful, if Whitney is the next Roseanne (which it's not) then I’m quitting, and I find nothing to be legendary or awesome or something that people will be watching reruns of 20 years from now! Also admittedly there is a part of me who sees actors who are clearly terrible but fits a niche like "Indian guy" or "I’m a maxim model who's one of the dudes" (YEAH I'M TALKING TO YOU OLIVIA WILDE! FUCK YOU! YOU'RE NOTHINGNESS IS APPARANT TO ME BECAUSE I DONT HAVE A DICK YOU CAN MAKE HARD! YOU ARE MEDIOCRE WITH A GREAT TAN! YOU DID IT! YOU GOT AWAY WITH IT! YOU TRICKED THE WORLD INTO THINKING YOU ARE FUNNY AND TALENTED AND PRETTY AT THE SAME TIME! BUT I AM COMING FOR YOU, YOU CHARLATON AND I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL CARRY YOU'RE STILL WARM PULSING HEART IN MY JUDITH LIEBER CLUTCH PURSE TO THE EMMY'S YOU WORTHLESS CUNT) and thinks that should be me up there, ya know? There are no legends anymore or anyone who makes me perk up my ears and laugh or cry or sing or dance. I know so many talented writers and actors and artists who are never heard and probably never will be because the Hollywood machine recycles and doesn't manufacture anymore. What happened to a new genre of music? A new genre of anything? What happened to stardom, a light that shines so bright it can't be extinguished, something new that isn't a remake of something that should've been left alone? Where have all the cowboys gone? (doo doodoo doo doodoo doo doodoo doo doodoo...)
Anyway have a great weekend dumplings! I'm gonna try not to drown myself in the tub and work out! Weeeeeeeeeeeee!