Friday, June 11, 2010

I don't know how not to blow you.

I've been having a lot of sex recently. The summer of the slut! I guess now that I’m half way to my goal weight I now have the confidence I need to have so so empty sex with total strangers. Everyone's been pretty medioke. But I’ve been having fun I s'pose and my pee doesn’t seem to be burning yet. I don’t know what it is, its like the old song goes: "I’m just a girl who can't say no, I'm in a turrible fix! I always say 'come on, let's go' Jist when I orta say nix!" I've always been that way. It's that all or nothing mentality I guess. Like I’ll go for 6 months in a complete dry spell and then I’ll go another 6 months like a recliner: soft, squishy and always someone in me. I'm all for free love, I just feel like after a certain age you shouldn’t still wake up the next morning and shudder. The ones who dig me give me the heebee jeebee's, and the ones who I dig want nothing to do with me! Ain't that the way it goes!? Might be nice to have someone who, I don’t know, might want to see me a second time? Like I slept with a guy from Finland the other day, he never called me again, guess he was finnished. 
All I want is a big giant beefy manly man who can flip me around like a pancake, has a few sheckles in the bank, is hilarious, and gets all googly eyed when he looks at me. You know, my ego needs to get fangered too sometimes! (You have to say fanger like:"OH MAMA he FANGERED me behind the bleachers Mama! But I love 'im Mama.... cuz he fangered me!). I want a guy with a dick that spouts oxygen and I live on the moon! Seriously though is that too much to ask!? 
I have no regrets about these rendez vous'. I really don’t. I wouldn’t sleep with someone if I didn’t really want too, it’s just that sometimes I don't realize until after the fact. 
The guys have been skeeving me out though. I slept with some guy last night who's idea of pillow talk is telling me the story of when he took a shit outside on the ground in union square in the middle of the night cuz he really had to go and there was no bathrooms open! LIKE SERIOUSLY!? And he was outraged that I’ve never taken a shit outside before! Does a Harriet shit in the woods!? FUCK NO! And he like burped and farted in front of me! Meanwhile, all i do is suck my stomach in and eat bib lettuce with the dressing on the side and spend hours plucking and waxing and moisterizing and perfuming just for someone to pass gass in my fucking face! Its disgusting! Or then there’s the guy who I went out with a few weeks back who doesn’t call me or ask me out, but periodically sends me pictures of himself with random celebrities he takes on his i-phone. Yeah, thanks. Wow you must be too cool for me dude! People are the weirdest man! I mean maybe I’m no prize but Jesus Christ if this is what’s out there, then maybe saturday night's filled with high calorie ice cream and showtime on demand doesnt look so bad!