Thursday, January 19, 2012


Alright, so all this female comedy news is giving me cunt cancer. In the past months, there have been articles about "Are women funny?" and "Whoa, check out these funny women." Eddie Brill, the comedy booker from Letterman, got fired because there was an uproar about the lack of women comedians appearing on his show and comments he made…yada yada yada. I know I’m one of many to write about this, but I have been getting this thrown in my face and if you want me to comment I’ll comment.
Here it is: women suck. Sorry. I feel really influenced by women because I am one but I’ll be honest every time I’m in a lineup at a comedy show, its not often when a woman kills. It's more rare but that's why it's so surprising and awesome when they do! There have been countless times that I have gotten off stage and heard, "Wow you are the funniest ‘female’ comedian I’ve ever seen," or even from my friends in the industry, "You're really funny for a 'woman'" (just to clarify I put quotes around the word woman in order to highlight. It’s not to be like, I’m a quote-on-quote  "woman" for those of you who have heard my voice or read comments on my You Tube videos that say, "YO DASSA DOOOD, YO!" – which always makes me feel so feminine and petite. Thanks my fans!)
I kind of hate it when people say those things to me after a show, but on the other hand, I get it! Men out-number women in comedy, blah blah blah. I'm even nauseated that I am being forced to think about this by feminists who are so eager to be considered equals that they just separate themselves more in the process! Hearing, "You're the funniest woman comedian I’ve ever seen" instead of, "You're the funniest comedian I’ve ever seen" doesn't really bother me because I know that there are conditions that exist for people whenever they find something or someone they really love! I've never been loved unconditionally so why start now? (child hood! downer alert!).
I got to say I am just happy and pleased whenever someone feels compelled to come up to me and give me a compliment on something other than my tits, period! It’s refreshing! Although a well-said “nice cans” really makes me feel good too sometimes! Unlike a lot of angry women, I rarely think about whether it is backhanded or not.
All these rants I’ve been reading on the Internet have actually had the reverse effect on me. I am very easily molded in general, and all this talk out there right now in the media, in my orbit about: "Are women funny? Women? Women, women, women! Women vs. men! Who women? Whoa, women!" is totally fucking me up because now I’m thinking about it more than I ever really cared to and actually questioning (more so than I normally do, or just differently): am I not as good as the guys? Maybe it's true and I’m not funny...which then sends me into a psychotic spiral and then I'm depressed and unmotivated and think, “Well, why doesn’t a man just do it then? He’s better anyway.”
I guess it has a lot to do with my upbringing, too. I actually remember my mom telling me women aren't as good as men and men run the world and it’s our job to step aside and let men be men – these were my lessons on womanhood. That totally sucks although I have to say that is how I was conditioned!
Parents should teach their daughters that they can do everything a man can do and there is no gender when it comes to success! Unfortunately, from a young age I wasn't taught that. I don't believe men are better on a conscious level, but in the back of my head my confidence is often thrown because I’m being told that I’m not one of the guys.
Then I go further and say, "FUCK! a lack of confidence is such a negative woman trait!" I will say my anti-feminist upbringing has made for some really good cooking and a blowjob that could end a war, but do I feel equal? No. I am constantly thinking how I appear to men. Do they desire me, am I good enough, am I thin enough, am I perfect enough, will he hire me, will he love me, will he marry me? Why do I care so much!? Why is so much of my life built around the opposite sex?
I just went back to the gym after not working out for two months, walked into my goumba trainer Frankie "Bag-a-SnackWell’s” office (even my trainer is important enough to have an office) who flirts with me endlessly…sidenote being flirted with makes my self-esteem soar! If men weren't more important than why would being a sexual object to them matter so much? When a man looks at me like an ice cream cone my day is made and I’m not sorry for admitting that!
Women who say they don't want to be objectified are just scared of getting prettied up because it might make them vulnerable to being hurt or rejected by men which in and of itself still puts men on top! So not wanting to be objectified as a sexual object because of whatever dumb feminist excuses one has really is just a huge contradiction in and of itself! I'm going to stop speaking for everybody else but hopefully I hit a vein of truth when I speak for myself when I say that I went to the gym and got weighed by Frankie "Bag-a-SnackWells" and saw that I gained 20 lbs. and it bothered me because in this society, the smaller I am the more attractive I feel and the more attractive I am, the more men I can attract and thereby gain power.
One must face it: even though (and I truly believe this) women are amazing, in addition to their beautiful brains a big part of their power in this world is their legs and their cleavage. It sends signals to men’s dicks which make them do stuff! I want to make it clear that I love women and I love being a woman and I feel that women really are the magical sex! They hold keys to truth; they see things men don't; they are intuitive, protective, fighters, they bare children; they are of the moon!!! Their bodies are natural clocks (which if you think about it is so cool), they have a tremendous capacity for physical and emotional pain, even though they are perceived by many men to be hysterical and emotional they are in fact the strongest emotional beings. They are constantly being tested but are naturally equipped with the instincts to pass those tests. Women are fantastic and beautiful and that is why they influence men so much, which is nothing to be ashamed of!
I just saw that god-awful Margaret Thatcher movie and even though she was a shapeless buck-toothed windbag in a skirt, she still influenced men and was the only woman in Parliament because men were there first! In our culture men are dominant. It goes back thousands and thousands of years, so fucking calm down that men get the upper hand! No one says men are better actors, song writers, singers, painters than women. Just better comedians? Why is the medium of being funny getting this light cast on it? Why can’t the strong just survive? I'm sorry but it pisses me off that because of my gender I am being represented by a Whitney  poster with some dumb joke like “Women are emotional ninjas. I’m fine means I’m going to stab you in the neck.” When I see that I am embarrassed to be a female comedian! But on the flipside when I watch Wanda Sykes or Joan Rivers, I am proud to just be a comedian period! Anyone who is bad shines a light on whatever it is they are trying to do because they suck, plain and simple. It is just incidental that we are of a certain gender so it makes that light brighter and just gives an added excuse for sucking!
I am not a good comic because I’m a woman I’m a good comic cause I’m funny and smart and have the life experience to draw on. Same reasons a man would be considered a good comedian. I will also be the first to admit that this is a man’s world and I will spend thousands of dollars a year just so one will treat me nice and/or want to fuck me. It is what it is. I would like to live in a world where there is unity among everyone because I don’t want to feel separate and as an artist, I don’t believe I should. I am of the human race and trying my best and ones genitalia should be secondary to producing great work and having a good, honest, loving heart, which is what I feel is really important in this life. Anyway, there ya go. (drop the mic)