Saturday, April 17, 2010

The Shape of Things: A Little Back Story

My whole life my parents have been examples of health and wellness. My father has been on the same diet since 1972. A doctor literally hypnotized him to stop eating sugar, salt and fat and to never eat between meals. Since that fateful day in 1972, he has pretty much eaten the same three meals everyday just mixing up his proteins to "keep it interesting." Since I can remember if I reached for butter for my bread or a salt shaker he'd slap my hand away and would say "Salt is the devil Suzie" (he never calls me by my actual name. He always calls me Suzie or Suzelah or Dolly and calls my brother Charlie, Johnny or Professor. Makes no sense but there ya have it) as a teenager when I started to naturally fill out he would (and still does) pinch my ass or my love handle and say "Woops! That’s how I lost my wristwatch!" or "Dolly looks like she got a little beefy…huh?" I hope I'm not painting a Nazi sympathizing characature of a penny pinching big nosed Yiddish monster that can't remember his children’s names. My dad really is a borscht belt character. He taught me how to be funny and quick, and taught me "don't take any bullshit from anyone Suzelah" which is sort of a contradiction because his inappropriate jabs are what I would classify as bullshit but wattryagonna do? He is very old school and loveable and funny and its just his way. 

My Mother…is shot. My mom owns a yoga retreat in Long Island and is actually quite a well known yogi and health guru. Her focuses are on juice fasting and bending to sniff your own cooch.  Total contrast to my father, the 3rd generation Jewish undertaker from Jersey City, whose hobbies include backgammon, yelling at waiters, and answering questions with questions, but somehow it works! 
Growing up with these two, who incidentally are the vainest people on the planet (when I was a kid I walked in on them having sex and they were screaming out their own names) focusing so much on appearance and weight and image, it had some effects on me. For one thing, I rarely go out without makeup on, I use my sexuality like a carpenter uses a saw (HEY! I'm not a slut...I'm a people person) and, I admittedly am a bit of an elitist when it comes to handbags.  Additionally, as a child, when I was told to go easy on the carbs, I would do the opposite. Binge eating was my teenage fuck you,  well so was raiding the liquor cabinet and sneaking out of the house at 16 to be a showgirl, but thats another story. As a result I am always going up and down in weight. Not to point fingers, but it’s their fault that I over eat to begin with, and it’s their fault that I hate myself when I do! 

I think an important aspect of a life change is recognizing where you develop your bad habits. I'm done going up and down and blowing hot and cold like a tenement faucet! I want to accept that my mom and dad put a little too much emphasis on the scale and that I have to be ok wherever I’m at. That I might hit it big or a man might love me whether I look like Jayne Mansfield or Chris Farley.  This is a shift and an adjustment so I hope I can make it. Now...what the fuck should I have for breakfast?