What a weekend. I just got back from doing 3 shows in Princeton and got in 2 car accidents and got a ticket all in 2 days! So I was putting on mascara, lacing up a corset, texting and drinking bourbon while steering but what’s the big deal, I’m a multitasking career girl! And I got a parking ticket! There were no signs that said I couldn’t…. in that swamp.
I'm just riddled with anxiety. My car is totaled and I have terrible TMJ. By the way there is some sort of psychosomatic tightening of my jaw and my vagina that is happening. I have to literally take a breath and remember to unclench. It’s like a permanent kegal which sounds like a dream but trust me its not.
What is that about? I am subconsciously tightening and closing my openings from stress. Consciously I love a nice dick but my subconscious must've been raped by something dark and ugly because this is ridiculous. It’s like a vice!
My shrink told me I need to start masturbating. I've never really done it, I’ve tried but truthfully after 45 minutes of screaming, "I’m close, I’m close, I’m close" ones arm gets tired. I like the real deal better with a real live person...call me old fashioned! She said that it would be interesting if I started masturbating because she senses, in her professional opinion, that after climax, all my self hatred will come bubbling to the surface. There’s an incentive! Most people look forward to a cigarette after an orgasm, she's telling me I have to look forward to post traumatic stress syndrome! Not what I call a "happy ending."
My calendar has been filling up which is good but it looks like I won't have a car to get to these gigs I have to go to which concerns me greatly. What am I supposed to tell my agent? I banged up my dad's car and he won't let me work!? Oh yeah I forgot to mention it was my dad’s car. He sent me an angry strongly worded email today that he thinks I am trying to intentionally hurt him by lying to him about my accident and that I’m a no good piece of shit lying manipulating ungrateful brat. Which is all I need. I actually really fucked up my neck and shoulder and suffered extreme anxiety over this weekend and the auto-drama. And truthfully being a grown woman getting in trouble with her father doesnt help and it seems like nobody fucking cares.
You should know I'm a really good friend to people I love. Like really good, if i let you in my heart there is NOTHING i won't do for you, like i would take a bullet. Friends that I always take care of, and am there for when they are sick and in pain seem to be getting a laugh out of my calamities and not even once asking how I’m doing or how my neck is. I know I’m hilarious when I’m angry or in pain (its true I really am, I’m adorable!) but I need a hug not a laugh or at least a phone call! But that’s alright, I’m not Jill Zarin I don't keep score of who's a better friend but I can’t ignore the fact that whenever I feel down or hurt I am always somehow more isolated than when I'm not. Whatever it's stupid to have expectations of people, I’m learning. Alright that's enough! There are more violins in here than in Steven Tyler's bathroom!
You should know I'm a really good friend to people I love. Like really good, if i let you in my heart there is NOTHING i won't do for you, like i would take a bullet. Friends that I always take care of, and am there for when they are sick and in pain seem to be getting a laugh out of my calamities and not even once asking how I’m doing or how my neck is. I know I’m hilarious when I’m angry or in pain (its true I really am, I’m adorable!) but I need a hug not a laugh or at least a phone call! But that’s alright, I’m not Jill Zarin I don't keep score of who's a better friend but I can’t ignore the fact that whenever I feel down or hurt I am always somehow more isolated than when I'm not. Whatever it's stupid to have expectations of people, I’m learning. Alright that's enough! There are more violins in here than in Steven Tyler's bathroom!
I need to clear out the negativity inside me right now because I’m a nasty mess. No wonder no one wants to be around me! I'm working which is really positive and really important to me so there you have it.
Focus!
