Wednesday, August 17, 2011

On the Road to Celebrity Rehab!

Summers almost over, thank god because I’m sick of sucking in my stomach and not wearing control top panty hose and sweating like a Saudi snatch! I've been doing a lot of mics and stuff and letting my career be guided by other comedians who think that this is what I should be doing and this is what I should be doing and this is what I should be doing. You know what I shouldn't be doing is taking advice and critiques from comedians who still suck on fucking pacifiers and think that I am on or below their level when I have done hours of comedy in rooms they could only dream of! (And yes, I mean room 409 at the Best Western in Flint Michigan…I’m not allowed back in Flint Michigan...NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!)
My auditions have been kinda cool because they are for big things...not extra work and student films, but for major networks and films and sitcoms and shit but it doesn’t matter because auditioning is such a terrible and annoying experience. You sit in a waiting room that feels like a house of mirrors cause there are 25 girls who look exactly like you (but normal sized), then you walk in smile and kibitz and explain that "yes sorry…I know my headshot looks like I’m a blonde ingĂ©nue but as you can see I’m a 6 foot tall ball buster with a voice like a black tranny named Tyrona ...(shrug shoulders and smile) GOD'S BAD!" and then go into your sides (short script that you read with a casting directors assistant who thinks they are a better actor than you) Then I read it, sometimes they throw you an adjustment and make you read it again or look over your resume with you and see what you do what you've been up to and this is almost more important than nailing the reading of the sides. If you can establish a relationship with these people you're gold. This is where I usually fuck the whole thing up and spin myself into a web of lies and destruction. It's like I’m a heroin addict seeking oblivion with layers upon layers of bullshit! Imagine 3 times a week of realizing you are the biggest moron on the face of the planet! Really takes one down a peg! Like I had an audition for this girl, side note, almost every single casting director is either a girl or a gay guy like if you ever notice movie credits it's always like CASTING DIRECTOR: GLORIA SHEINBAUM or RACHEL BRISKET-GUTTMAN or SHANA SHECKLES SHINKLESTIEN FACE and then the occasional GERALD-LLOYD- DE LA TWINKLETOES or something... Anyway, I had this audition for a movie that's coming out soon with Annette Benning and Kristin Wiig, two ladies I would die to work with so of course I was nervous and when I’m nervous I babble like Ralph Kramden in a whore house! So I go in and read and she's like "wow that was perfect! That was really terrific, Harriet thank you! Why don’t you tell me a little bit more about yourself" and then I slip into the vortex "Well you know,  (clearing throat and coughing for about 2 minutes) Exuse me, swallowed saliva down the wrong pipe I guess, um…where was I!? Oh well, I’m a stand up comic for a living so I haven’t really done anything new on my resume which is why I’m here I guess HAHAHA so yeah that'd be really great if you gave me the part HAHAHA. Oh and yeah well I just filmed a commercial for ummm...(scrambling scrambling..uhhh glance at the outlet on the wall) for Glades Plug Ins. Yeah... that's the ticket...Glades Plug Ins! I played a young Scandinavian Viking mom who loves smoking her own Kippurs indoors for her family but hates the smell and she's all disgruntled and then a light bulb goes off over her head and she's all "YA! Youshk know whatsh would make for neutralizes kippur odor ya? Tahitian Vanillashk Breeze" so anyway yeah that was a lot of fun and should be coming out really soon and what else? Oh yeah well, I have my own hour comedy special happening on HBO so that should be really awesome, yeah i'm really blowing up and just preparing for that and anyway how much does this gig pay sexy? I dunno you seem like a pretty cool chick Margot Stuffed Derma-Shlucccchhhhenstien you wanna maybe like I dunno like go grab a beer after this or somethin? That's a really cute top by the way! Oh it's Prada? Yeah I fuckin rock Prada all the time cause I’m super awesome and successful and shit and would really be an asset to your film." I'm such a supreme asshole!  And if that wasn’t bad enough I wrote a follow up email apologizing! Yeah this is how you go places people. And I’m complaining on getting advice from comedians who've been performing consistently and improving on a daily basis for 3 years and I’m creeping on 8 years in and have been doing many of the same jokes I did when I debuted and mostly sit at home watching episodes of Dateline so I can collect ideas on how to plot the rape and murder of the comedians who are half as talented as me and are going to make it before me while I eat 100 calorie packs of real people food or 0 calorie non fat synthetic baby shit string cheese in my underwear SO I CAN BE ACCEPTED INTO SOCIETY AS A FUCKING PERSON WITH VALUE and not being able to keep my trap shut or tell any iota of truth in an audition or job interview! 
So what am I doing? I'm eating shit (literally and figuratively) and taking advice. I'm continuing to audition in hopes that some person will find my babbling charming and adorable and cast me as "giant slutty best friend," or "WNBA player with a past" in some made for TV movie. Continuing to write and then trying said jokes at open mics in a room full of 45 unfunny chubby dudes with beards who tell the same fart joke, and writing this blog once a week instead of like twice a year or whenever I can muster up enough strength to write about my shitty life for 15 minutes. So stay tuned and wish me luck!