Thursday, October 13, 2011

Befores and Afters: The Life and Times

Again a huge thank you to everyone who came out to support my show on Monday and a GIANT FUCK YOU TO ALL OF YOU WHO SAID YOU WERE COMING AND DIDN'T. GOD I HATE PROMOTING! JESUS FUCK! Just so I can guarantee myself an extra goddamned spot every month I have to whore myself to my friends and family exhaust my little fan base! I know it's tough to come out and support but don't say you will when you won't! Because that makes you a no good liar and you deserve to be blindfolded and shot like a colombian cocaine farmer who talks to much in Medellin ! Ok I feel better now that I’ve gotten that off my chest. Promoting is so lame and so anxiety producing and I’m sick! Not sure if it's psychosomatic but I feel like shit because I do things that make me feel like shit and doing things period makes me feel like shit because I’m a lazy shit so all I want to do is sit alone in my dark shitty hole (i should've said bedroom) and feel like shit by myself! Shit! So I drank some cough syrup and watched First Wives Club for probably the four thousandth time and feeling a little less like shit. 
But things are picking up, kids! Calendar is filling up nicely (more unpaid work! awesome! I LOVE comedy!) and auditions auditions auditions (more close but no cigars.) One of these is going to hit I swear and with my positive winning attitude I’m sure it will (sorry it's hard to type and slit my wrists at the same time!) 
Weight is kind of in a precarious place right now. I've been spending a lot of time alone again and being sick and feeling like shit (which we've established) physically so I haven't really been working out which lead to binging for the past two weeks. Well not bingeing....but eating gigantic portions of food that I shouldn't be eating...that sounds better. What's the goddamned difference, I think to myself, as my leg hair gets longer and courser and I wake up next to chicken carcasses. I have nothing and no one! But then I looked at a picture of me from a while back and remembered how fucking disgusting I was and felt and am happy to be smaller. You see when your born gigantic like I, the lighter you weigh the more "petite" is achievable or whatever is close to it. My shoulders are smaller and more delicate, my waist is tinier, I look like I can actually be lifted by a normal sized man instead of being mistaken for one. So that kind of scared me into putting down the fork (and by fork I mean fist full of mashed potatoes like a down syndrome toddler.) I'm doing well and on the right path so why do I always fall back into my bullshit patterns? Because I’m impatient and bored and a spoiled glutton. Like Louie VI but with bigger tits and less money. My shrink and I are working on "clearing out anger" so that the positive can manifest. She said I’ve already summoned what I want to the universe (fame and an 8 inch dick with a job...that's really it for me in the fulfillment department!) I just need to clear out my inner crap in order to receive it. Like a psychological colonic! I'm going to try by spitting hateful blogs, yelling at hecklers, working out and paying attention to my anger triggers...such as rejection, criticism, beautiful Asian women, other people’s successes... And then I’ll be famous and regularly fucked with a diamond on my finger in no time! THE SECRET! 

This was the fatty pic i was talking about. Not my heaviest but shit! Look at bob Greenberg in the Maroon is hungry for it!
But now slimmer at gotham.

Or the famous bathing suit pics! Remember these?? Before and after fuckers! I gotta keep this shit up! BAM! Go ahead click on them to make them larger. I ain't shy! And yes, i have monogramed towels :)

Till next week little ones! XOXO