Tuesday, November 1, 2011


Depression has a way of making you fuck up your diet. Needed to take a week and cry and eat my brains out. I ended a friendship that meant a lot to me and feeling super sad and conflicted about it. It's amazing how a girl with so few real relationships can press delete so quickly. But sometimes you have to in order to move forward and be happy in the end. You can't walk right into danger where you'll probably get your heart hurt when you feel it coming you got to cut your losses and run the other way. Maybe if Nathalie Holloway followed that advice she wouldn't have had such a lame ass date on that boat. So yeah, watching 90's chick flicks and sitcoms, listening to 90's alt rock, (dressing and smelling like Kurt Kobain, eating like Ann Wilson) and writing 2000's alt comedian tweets. Went for like 4 days without showering only getting out of bed to do 10 minute sets at little bar shows and then crawled back into my bed full of take out containers and ketchup packets and watching Boys On The Side or a Frasier marathon. (Is there any problem that the hijinks of the pretentious Seattle highbrow therapist brothers and their kooky menagerie of sidekicks can't fix?) Oh, to be a tormented genius like I! I'm not at the stage where killing myself would make me more famous yet so I got to hold off on the trip to the roof and keep it pushin! I refuse to weigh myself but I think I gained something close to 10 pounds. Totally eating my feelings and ruining all my hard work but you know what sometimes you just need the comfort that only Hunan Palace can give. It's ok i'm back to the gym now and I got it under control [top panty hose.] 
BOO FUCKING HOO people! Halloween, or as I like to call it Gay Pride with a different kind of candy, passed me by completely. I had big plans of dressing up cause of my new sexy body I was going to be "slutty something" but I dress up as "slutty something" and boo people everyday! Big whoop! I hate Halloween it's like amateur night. If I wanted to see a bunch of bros and skanks dressed like idiots getting shit faced and thinking they're ironic and hilarious I’d just go to the green room of any comedy club! (Making friends!!!!) If I was going to dress up I was going to be Beyonce with a miscarriage, like in a gold sequined leotard with a fan on me at all times with blood and slime dripping down my fishnets (booooo) but that idea came to me before the video of her fake baby bump leaked so then I was just thinking of stuffing a folded lawn chair in a dress and calling it a costume but eh...too much energy and no where to go. Past Halloween’s I’ve done good but I was always working. There was the year when I was a go-go dancer and I was Marilyn Monroe's partially decomposed corpse! I was completely buck naked (umm…cause she died in the nude clutching a telephone. I'm nothing if i'm not authentic!) and painted grayish blue with pills and pill bottles and maggots stuck to me, roaches and worms and crawling through my wig and decomposing flesh at the hip and the neck with an old fashioned telephone...it was pretty awesome. (If I had waited for last week, lying in bed for 5 days sobbing I wouldn't have needed the costume at all and i wouldn't have had to spend 2 days scrubbing blue paint off my snatch.) Then there was the year that I was a playboy bunny with her throat slit (because don't you just want to slit their fucking throats?) and then one year I was Peg Bundy which was pretty good and Josephine Baker where I was completely in black face naked again my entire body dipped in coco brown makeup with a banana skirt and tribal beads (ummm...josephine baker was always naked and she happened to be black. Authentic!) no one recognized me that year! I looked like lil Kim on horse vitamins! No black people were offended in the making of that costume, all I got were high fives and ignored by cab drivers. Don't be a pussy and be a slutty fireman or slutty bumble bee ladies, ditch the costume and just throw on suspenders and be a naked fireman or shove a stinger up your ass and be a naked bumble bee it's WAY more fun! What's the point of the extra fabric, you're leaving nothing to the imagination anyway! But I’m a respectable out of work actress and comedian now! I must stay in bbq stained sweats and feel sorry for myself on the holidays! SCRUPLES!  
But like always, after my little temper tantrum and melt down I shifted. I decided to stop focusing on the lack of things in my life and began to focus on what I do have. A decent apartment for nyc standards, a couple of nutcase parents, 25 dollars in my checking account, LOADS of talent (It’s the loads in my face that I miss,) and an energy and presence that is like no one else’s. God put me here to do something and it's remarkable as soon as I made that click in my brain I booked a shit ton of shows and got two really big legitimate auditions this week! And instead of saying "I’m not going to get the part" or "I HAVE to get this part" like I usually do I’m going to say "I got the audition and it's going to be fun!" and just enjoy performing and spreading joy in my little way. You know as much as I hate human kind, I gotta admit we are all pretty awesome and the struggle, in my case has made for some very funny material. OPRAH FOR PRESIDENT!