Monday, February 7, 2011

Mercedes Benz, Botox, Harriet Halloway

All right well here I am in Los Angeles.
Here for a whole month! Never been away from home this long...other than when I was in that Singapore prison for smuggling 30 kilos of heroin in my vagina. Got some auditions for pilot season and trying to stamp a little more HH on the west coast comedy scene again. West coast audiences are different though...they're very "come on chump, make me laugh" with their 5 o'clock shadow's and leather jackets and aviator sunglasses and "look at me attitude" well guess what douche lord! I'm on stage now, so it's time to look at ME! 
It's like day 4 here although it feels like i've been here a month already. Haven't gotten shit accomplished yet unless if you consider smoking medical marijuana all day long and piling on makeup an accomplishment. You know me by now though , I put tons of pressure on myself! So, I’m trying to take in the "LA way" and relax a bit, but I never realized what a cunt bag new yorker I was until I got here! I get really impatient here. People don't move fast enough, or don't care about things... Like I walked into a manicure parlor the other day to get my nails done because my thumbnail broke and it needed to be fixed, lest I walk around looking like a midwestern checkout girl with acne and missing acrylics. So I said to the Koreans can you fix my nail please and give me a polish change, and they were like "I don't know, maybe in half owa, I don't know how to doo" I was like "well didn’t you go to acrylic nail school? Did you miss the day they taught everything? What, if i may ask, is the point of you?" "oohhh I don't knoooww" then I closed my eyes and tried to mentally make my blood pressure go down and feigned a smile and politely asked "do you have ballet slippers?" Now for you heterosexual males who read my blog (all 2 of you) Ballet slippers is probably the most common universal nail polish color in history. Everybody has it or has had it one time or another; it's like the VD of the beauty parlors. So I asked her for the color, which I knew she had, and she said she didn't know! GRRRRRR! So should I just stand here and wait till you do know? Or just sit down and take a crap in the middle of the floor with my busted nails? Basically the story ends with me screaming RETARD in a crowded LA salon and storming out. In NY things just move faster, people respond when you ask them a yes or no question, they get out of your way if you nudge them with a sharp stick. Here, it's very slow and easy, you poke someone here with a sharp stick and they'll think they're being exfoliated and say thank you! That shit just doesn't fly with me. There are pros to go with the cons though. Despite the throngs of superficial snail paced monsters there are a few good people here, and the good ones stick out like sore thumbs so they're not that hard to locate so that's good at least. The weather here is amazing. I love being surrounded by mountains and palm trees and fresh air instead of slush and concrete like in NYC, it's good for my soul. The big mountains the wide sky it all makes me feel so...petite! Like a tiny wispy slutty bashful asian girl (who's obedient and would KNOW HOW TO FIX A FUCKING NAIL IF YOU ASKED HER! ...deep breaths)
I definitely feel like I’m starting from square one here and I’m a little out of my comfort zone, on the east coast I got fans and a good thing going, here I’m just another big titted blonde... so I of course have immediately turned to the vices. Booze, food (so much food), sex, drugs, and cigarettes.... yeah, I full on started smoking again as soon as I got off the plane. Also the eating, you know how it is...except now that I had my fat cells in my stomach sucked out, now the fat goes directly to my face and upper arms so I look all puffed up like, Mariah Carey. 
Trying to adjust and feel good and get my happy back because misery helps stand up but it ruins auditions. 
I'm gonna rock it out though, I always give myself shit then get good results in the end so I’m not worried.  THE TIME IS NOW!
Love you monkeys