Hello again! Thought I’d resume the bloggy blog. Consistency isn't my forte but I’m gonna try and write more consistently which is repetitive but consistent in writing the word consistent.
It's just retarded cause it's all the same shit folks! Nothing has changed in my life since March when I last wrote an entry. 4 months of nothing to talk about. Yes I’ve been yo-yoing as usual, trying to maintain some sort of happiness, auditioning, doing shows, and having shitty sex with total losers (not that there was shit involved! only that one summer in Berlin but i needed the money) but it's all so uninteresting and monotonous because there is no momentum! I'm reading Bethenny Frankel's new book because I have an aversion to stimulating my mind in any way with anything other than uppers, but dude she's made it all happen! Kid, huz, Forbes 500 list in what seemed like an instant. So I’m interested in people who manifest things and are successful because I want to be that person. I want to have a big warm house and maybe a couple maids and a couple rocks (diamonds, not crack) a nice well stocked closet (with clothes not curious men with nipple clamps under sweater vests) a man who I worship and who worships me, awesome friends who I love and are nice to me, the cutest and coolest little babies anyone has ever seen that I can shmush and squeeze and love and they fall asleep with their little heads in my lap before their daddy sticks his "little head" in my "lap!" I can have that...if that mousy nasal Bethenny Frankel can do it why the hell can't I!? I’m 1/2 way through her book and can't put it down! It's like Tropic of Cancer except without the tropic! Some of the things she talks about is breaking ties with your past and your baggage and not letting it ruin you or make you repeat patterns, she talks about being true to yourself and following your gut instincts, and acting on them. That's where I’m at now. Acting on it. Hard. I do to an extent but I need to be more enthusiastically going for my goals and the only thing that prevents me from "acting" on it is fear. Fear that I'll waste my time, fear that I'll be ridiculed and called names, that I’m not funny, that people will not like me for being me...sounds like bullshit cause it is. I guess what I've been doing these four months is trying to find my soul and let myself be guided by that instead of my ego. Also been getting up early, working out every day and trying to be healthy and feel good and not feed my addictions which is such a bore but I allow myself the occasional bender just to keep my chops, oil the old wheels if you will. But I’m still shrinking...I have more to go. Recently, like a homosexual gym rat narcissist, I put half naked pictures of myself on facebook to get some opinions. So far everyone's is "YOWZA!" but I still feel like I’m about 15-18 pounds away from being a 10 (not a size 10 but on a scale of 1-10 hotness). Which is what every girl really wants in life. So disgusting how our society makes a woman feel if she isn't a 10 she's not valid or worthy of anything or seen. I'm always seen but that's because I’m a 6 foot something ferocious peroxide soaked beast woman clawing her way down third avenue everyday...kinda hard to miss. I can honestly say I’m not torturing myself to lose weight this time. And before you think I’m insecure and superficial, let it be known that I like the curves and the lumps and bumps and humps (except this goiter I could do without) but I’m eating normal and working out. My goal weight is not a number but to have a guy pick me up in the air…maaaybe weigh less than a football player, I dunno. I have been weighing in once a month instead of daily or weekly and feeling and looking good. Number is still higher than I want it to be but I’m not focusing on numbers, I’m focusing on how I feel and of course the gospel of Bethenny Frankel. Here are the pictures plus one slut one I took in a leopard g-string on my i-photos. Please aim your semen away from the screen, damaged computers are in no way the responsibility of the writer or publisher of this blog.
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