Boys Boys Boys (-enberry pie)

So summer is here. Such a beautiful fucking day in gods green kingdom. I'm sick from the case of kettle one I drank this weekend. It’s coming out my pores. My forehead has zits with their own shadow. That’s alright it needs to come out. Seep through me. On the bright side I lost 18 lbs in 6 weeks on weight watchers! I have another 20 to go but I’m taking it slow… so by my calculations I should be at my goal weight by the fall…just in time for thanksgiving… And mind you I’ve dropped this weight with pretty much no exercise. I literally don’t move. I sit. I point to things. I sleep. It’s really the glamorous life I’ve always dreamed of. Unemployed and dieting.

Dating's been…let us say…having some sort of momentum lately. In that I kinda met someone I kinda dig. Someone diggable. Oh and its a wonderful feeling. Thank god I actually like someone...this soul crushing anxiety I feel is awesome! I HATE having crushes! As far as I'm concerned having a "crush" on someone is just a reminder of how alone you actually are. Because you like someone and there they are...all the way over there...on their i-phone being all aloof...fucking dreamboat just chillin right over there...and here I am...with my blackberry being all "maybe I should check the battery because something must be wrong I’m not getting any texts." Even Howie Mandell's phone rang eventually. You meet someone you like and they text (i paraphrase): "oh I’m coming over to bone your brains out!" Then cut to one too many hours later you’re wondering if the” just kidding” was silent. Cause then I get all dolled up in a "oh whatever I just effortlessly look like this" kind of way. Like tousled hair, soft cotton...just smelling like cookies for no goddamned reason. Yeah THIS TOOK 2 HOURS PRICK!! 

I guess what it is, is this whole guy girl thing just bypasses me completely. I've never had a mind for dating politics. Like my girlfriends are like "I mean Becky,” they think my name is Becky, “Wait like 2 weeks before like going down on him, and when you do be sure to only make it half a blowie because I mean like whattryou a whore? And wait 3 quarter lunar fortnights in between texts cause you don’t want him to think that you got nothin else goin on." p.s. all these idiots have boyfriends. So maybe the games work. I never really wanted a boyfriend before. I mean I want a huz one day down the road to gimme some awesome lil babies but that’s way off. Until then I don’t really give a shit, but I see it happening around me and it just makes me curious because I’ve never really had one. You see, I'm the rebound blonde...or the coupl'a laughs girl...or the friend with benefits. Men seem to think I’m just a good time Charlie because I shove it all in their face. Oh no no! I take full responsibility! You don’t have a pair of double d's and eyes that go up and down a man like a searchlight and not be asking for trouble! I just can't help it! I love men! Sue me! I love the way they smell, the way they feel, the way they chew on a steak or sip on a beer, I love the way they look, the way they’re built, the way they taste, the way they find something funny and smirk out of the corner of their mouths, I love their whiskers, I love a man’s laundry, dirty and clean…you name it, I love every part! I even love the way they hurt me! (violin) And I wonder why I’m never "the girlfriend" and never have been. I don’t know what it is...I guess I’m just too much of a blast! Maybe if I was mousier and a little more shy at parties I’d be the girl a guy can just stay at home with and do whatever it is that couples do. But I think I’d make an awesome girlfriend one day... I mean come on I’d be the best! I would relationship the SHIT outta this shit!

It’s just this springtime heat and this city. You got to be here to experience it. It happens every year…the weather gets really hot, the clothes come off, and the everybody just swells with love. It’s in the air and its food for thought. Mmmm I like food…especially pie…and gummy bears. 13 points left today.