Where Have I Been!?

Ok so I’ve been M.I.A. I know...

It’s been a really rough week. I get these catatonic depressions sometimes where I hide in my room with the curtains drawn for days and weeks and months sometimes and ignore the phone and the world. It was one of those. I've been through them before usually triggered by something that sends me into a tailspin. This time it was a week ago when I went out and Kelly Osborne (or as I like to call her Babe: Pig in the City) and her band of skinny hipster star fuckers hurt my feelings at some poser nightclub, which I don’t even know why I went there but so it goes. After this drunken "fight" I went home and ate two Entenmanns cakes (Devils Food with marshmallow frosting and Louisiana Crunch) and slept for a week refusing to come out of hiding. Babe was simply the catalyst for a much bigger problem that manifested itself into a definite set back. I like to cocoon and sleep in crumbs and not shower for a couple days (wait a minute...whose the pig now?). I started drinking and smoking a few cigarettes here and there a couple of weeks ago when I was on the road which I knew would off set a myriad of bad behavior, but I did it any way. Its all good though. I stopped smoking, and even after turning my bed into a trough and eating everything in sight with my hands tied behind my back, I weighed in today and saw that I miraculously gained 0 lbs last week! I don’t understand it, I’m not questioning it but phew that was a close one. I'm back on!

Because I am more self-aware now then ever, these depressions last only a few days instead of months like they used too. Seriously, I was like the Bouvier-Beales and my apartment would turn into Grey Gardens except with chicken carcasses instead of cats. I know who I am and where I’m going and have more faith now I suppose. I just need to be reminded of it, and not be so self indulgent and feel sorry for myself like a little pussy bitch! I know I need to hide a little bit sometimes cause the world is really scary! So I do and then I’m good. It’s like recharging my batteries. I'm more resilient now, and I have to be in this business, so I’m not going to let some ignorant reality TV star with cankles get in the way of where I’m going.

So here it is! I’ve gotten your letters and heard you come up to me after shows asking why I haven't blogged in a while (and thanks for reading) I felt I owed you an explanation. I've had a really rough go. I guess all creative people go through their periods of feeling crappy because comedy, for example, is an individual pursuit and that can be really isolating. In daily life, and I would imagine many other types of 'artists' feel like they are easily disconnected from society. People are always rubbing their goddamned ovaries and 6 foot something boyfriends in my face (the other day a friend actually said to me "I have so much cum in my hair, right now!" and I turned to him and said “Justin Elizabeth Bieber that is ENOUGH!”). Yes ok, I get bitter sometimes! I don’t want to hear about how your boss doesn’t understand you, and its not that I have anything better to contribute but it stings more I think because my dreams may not always be appreciated or maybe sometimes looked down upon. Sometimes I get blue cause my notion of success seems unachievable or unrealistic to me too and that’s just normal to get scared and hide. 

Anyway thank you so much for the letters and the laughs and the love. I know I’m on the right track and I aint never givin up! I have no alternative! There's a lot more filth left in this mouth to spread around...ok I meant jokes.... not like herpes.... herpes is so junior high.