I'm Trying Here!

Just got back from family overnight trip. My brother got sworn into the Maryland bar so we all went down to support him. Thank god there’s a lawyer in the family...with my mouth I’ll need one! Although I asked him what time it was and he sent me a bill!

This was a good trip and a bad trip for a lot of reasons and not only cause I learned that mescaline and mesculin are two different things.  It was good because I actually had a really good talk with my dad about my career and life and everything. I saw my brother accomplish something really huge and my dad was crying sitting next to me SO proud of the big oaf, and it made me want him to feel proud of me that way. Basically I brought up that there were unsavory things written about me on the internet and he told me. "Suzie! This is what you love to do! People are always gonna be nasty and talk shit, but you got a family and friends who love you and will always support you and you are meant to entertain. This is your dream and you'd be a fool to let that go cause of some asshole on the googles." Even though it sounded like a generic dad speech it actually sunk in and made me feel better! Go figure! The old man nailed it! First of all it was the first time my dad has EVER acknowledged what I do for a living and more than that made it feel like being an entertainer was, I dunno, a good idea?! He's a good pop and after all is said and done and all the bullshit curve balls that life has thrown at me I’m a pretty lucky gal. 

My mom was driving me crazy because she’s such a Pollyanna and thinks that life is perfect and full of light and good vibrations. My glasses are never rose colored and hers always are and sometimes that annoys the fuck out of me. (For a first hand look at the irritation I posted a link below of hour 3 of our road trip to Maryland together.) She's a good kid. She just wants me to be happy and tries the only way she knows how. Incessant affirmations that make the veins in my forehead pop out. 

Anyway, June being kind of slow, some things have started picking up, actually in the past 24 hours. There’s some big press and TV stuff that is happening on the way and a new agent, oddly enough in the wake of shit talk from meanies. I gotta take dads advice of tuning out the haters and reminding myself of what I do and why I do it and moms advice of protecting myself with seashell bellies and unicorn farts and just power the fuck through. What happens happens. I just wanna make some moneys doing my thang. Is that so much to ask?

So GO FUCK YOURSELF HATERS! I AIN’T SCARED A YEAUX!

CLICK HERE TO SEE ME AND MOM

I don't know how not to blow you.

I've been having a lot of sex recently. The summer of the slut! I guess now that I’m half way to my goal weight I now have the confidence I need to have so so empty sex with total strangers. Everyone's been pretty medioke. But I’ve been having fun I s'pose and my pee doesn’t seem to be burning yet. I don’t know what it is, its like the old song goes: "I’m just a girl who can't say no, I'm in a turrible fix! I always say 'come on, let's go' Jist when I orta say nix!" I've always been that way. It's that all or nothing mentality I guess. Like I’ll go for 6 months in a complete dry spell and then I’ll go another 6 months like a recliner: soft, squishy and always someone in me. I'm all for free love, I just feel like after a certain age you shouldn’t still wake up the next morning and shudder. The ones who dig me give me the heebee jeebee's, and the ones who I dig want nothing to do with me! Ain't that the way it goes!? Might be nice to have someone who, I don’t know, might want to see me a second time? Like I slept with a guy from Finland the other day, he never called me again, guess he was finnished. 

All I want is a big giant beefy manly man who can flip me around like a pancake, has a few sheckles in the bank, is hilarious, and gets all googly eyed when he looks at me. You know, my ego needs to get fangered too sometimes! (You have to say fanger like:"OH MAMA he FANGERED me behind the bleachers Mama! But I love 'im Mama.... cuz he fangered me!). I want a guy with a dick that spouts oxygen and I live on the moon! Seriously though is that too much to ask!? 

I have no regrets about these rendez vous'. I really don’t. I wouldn’t sleep with someone if I didn’t really want too, it’s just that sometimes I don't realize until after the fact. 

The guys have been skeeving me out though. I slept with some guy last night who's idea of pillow talk is telling me the story of when he took a shit outside on the ground in union square in the middle of the night cuz he really had to go and there was no bathrooms open! LIKE SERIOUSLY!? And he was outraged that I’ve never taken a shit outside before! Does a Harriet shit in the woods!? FUCK NO! And he like burped and farted in front of me! Meanwhile, all i do is suck my stomach in and eat bib lettuce with the dressing on the side and spend hours plucking and waxing and moisterizing and perfuming just for someone to pass gass in my fucking face! Its disgusting! Or then there’s the guy who I went out with a few weeks back who doesn’t call me or ask me out, but periodically sends me pictures of himself with random celebrities he takes on his i-phone. Yeah, thanks. Wow you must be too cool for me dude! People are the weirdest man! I mean maybe I’m no prize but Jesus Christ if this is what’s out there, then maybe saturday night's filled with high calorie ice cream and showtime on demand doesnt look so bad! 

DEATH METAL!

I’m so fucking metal! Metal is the phrase of the day. Pass it on. It means awesome. It means rock and roll. It means VERY BADASS! 

Its time to take some action and make some shit happen. I lost 23 lbs and counting. Betcha cant wait for my "after" bikini shots. I got that tiny pink bikini waiting in my closet, seams are still in tact! But blah blah blah folks! Who honestly gives a shit? All I want to do is be busy. I’m scared shitless cause June has no bookings. Well two so far and that’s better than nothing but my bank account is dryer than my womb. I don’t need to be skinny I don’t need to be freshly fucked, although the steroids that my dermatologist put me on for my mysterious and incessant itching (sexy right?) have been making me wetter than the underside of John Goodman’s man boob. You know what else I don't need? I don’t need to have my dick stroked by a bunch of agents and publicists and like-minded showbiz people who promise me the world and don't return my phone calls. In this day and age in showbiz you gotta make it happen for yourself. I need to take the fork out of my mouth and replace it with money. Put my money where my mouth is is what I’m trying to say.  I'm sorry. I’m in a vulgar sort of crazed mood right now. Thought it might be a good time to write. 

But its summer ladies and gentlemen! I was always a child of the summer. Well that’s a lie. Summer is only fun when your stomach is flat. There was only that one summer when I was skinny. It was the best summer ever 2 summers ago. I was so skinny and had a "boyfriend" (exclusive bone) and a job at a nightclub which allowed me some money to waste away on Christian Louboutins which are all fucked up now because you put 200 lbs on a ciggarette heel and add a bottle of whiskey and your shoes don’t stay in the best condition. Now I’m dieting and my money is being drained. But I am hopeful! I am going to be a star goddamn it! I am going to make television history and live in laurel canyon in an amazingly landscaped house with my airedailes and fresh Christian Louboutins  that I walk on like a butterfly and I don’t give a shit if you believe me or not. I am so FUCKING METAL! (air guitar) and guess who else is metal... YOU!

Boys Boys Boys (-enberry pie)

So summer is here. Such a beautiful fucking day in gods green kingdom. I'm sick from the case of kettle one I drank this weekend. It’s coming out my pores. My forehead has zits with their own shadow. That’s alright it needs to come out. Seep through me. On the bright side I lost 18 lbs in 6 weeks on weight watchers! I have another 20 to go but I’m taking it slow… so by my calculations I should be at my goal weight by the fall…just in time for thanksgiving… And mind you I’ve dropped this weight with pretty much no exercise. I literally don’t move. I sit. I point to things. I sleep. It’s really the glamorous life I’ve always dreamed of. Unemployed and dieting.

Dating's been…let us say…having some sort of momentum lately. In that I kinda met someone I kinda dig. Someone diggable. Oh and its a wonderful feeling. Thank god I actually like someone...this soul crushing anxiety I feel is awesome! I HATE having crushes! As far as I'm concerned having a "crush" on someone is just a reminder of how alone you actually are. Because you like someone and there they are...all the way over there...on their i-phone being all aloof...fucking dreamboat just chillin right over there...and here I am...with my blackberry being all "maybe I should check the battery because something must be wrong I’m not getting any texts." Even Howie Mandell's phone rang eventually. You meet someone you like and they text (i paraphrase): "oh I’m coming over to bone your brains out!" Then cut to one too many hours later you’re wondering if the” just kidding” was silent. Cause then I get all dolled up in a "oh whatever I just effortlessly look like this" kind of way. Like tousled hair, soft cotton...just smelling like cookies for no goddamned reason. Yeah THIS TOOK 2 HOURS PRICK!! 

I guess what it is, is this whole guy girl thing just bypasses me completely. I've never had a mind for dating politics. Like my girlfriends are like "I mean Becky,” they think my name is Becky, “Wait like 2 weeks before like going down on him, and when you do be sure to only make it half a blowie because I mean like whattryou a whore? And wait 3 quarter lunar fortnights in between texts cause you don’t want him to think that you got nothin else goin on." p.s. all these idiots have boyfriends. So maybe the games work. I never really wanted a boyfriend before. I mean I want a huz one day down the road to gimme some awesome lil babies but that’s way off. Until then I don’t really give a shit, but I see it happening around me and it just makes me curious because I’ve never really had one. You see, I'm the rebound blonde...or the coupl'a laughs girl...or the friend with benefits. Men seem to think I’m just a good time Charlie because I shove it all in their face. Oh no no! I take full responsibility! You don’t have a pair of double d's and eyes that go up and down a man like a searchlight and not be asking for trouble! I just can't help it! I love men! Sue me! I love the way they smell, the way they feel, the way they chew on a steak or sip on a beer, I love the way they look, the way they’re built, the way they taste, the way they find something funny and smirk out of the corner of their mouths, I love their whiskers, I love a man’s laundry, dirty and clean…you name it, I love every part! I even love the way they hurt me! (violin) And I wonder why I’m never "the girlfriend" and never have been. I don’t know what it is...I guess I’m just too much of a blast! Maybe if I was mousier and a little more shy at parties I’d be the girl a guy can just stay at home with and do whatever it is that couples do. But I think I’d make an awesome girlfriend one day... I mean come on I’d be the best! I would relationship the SHIT outta this shit!

It’s just this springtime heat and this city. You got to be here to experience it. It happens every year…the weather gets really hot, the clothes come off, and the everybody just swells with love. It’s in the air and its food for thought. Mmmm I like food…especially pie…and gummy bears. 13 points left today.

Where Have I Been!?

Ok so I’ve been M.I.A. I know...

It’s been a really rough week. I get these catatonic depressions sometimes where I hide in my room with the curtains drawn for days and weeks and months sometimes and ignore the phone and the world. It was one of those. I've been through them before usually triggered by something that sends me into a tailspin. This time it was a week ago when I went out and Kelly Osborne (or as I like to call her Babe: Pig in the City) and her band of skinny hipster star fuckers hurt my feelings at some poser nightclub, which I don’t even know why I went there but so it goes. After this drunken "fight" I went home and ate two Entenmanns cakes (Devils Food with marshmallow frosting and Louisiana Crunch) and slept for a week refusing to come out of hiding. Babe was simply the catalyst for a much bigger problem that manifested itself into a definite set back. I like to cocoon and sleep in crumbs and not shower for a couple days (wait a minute...whose the pig now?). I started drinking and smoking a few cigarettes here and there a couple of weeks ago when I was on the road which I knew would off set a myriad of bad behavior, but I did it any way. Its all good though. I stopped smoking, and even after turning my bed into a trough and eating everything in sight with my hands tied behind my back, I weighed in today and saw that I miraculously gained 0 lbs last week! I don’t understand it, I’m not questioning it but phew that was a close one. I'm back on!

Because I am more self-aware now then ever, these depressions last only a few days instead of months like they used too. Seriously, I was like the Bouvier-Beales and my apartment would turn into Grey Gardens except with chicken carcasses instead of cats. I know who I am and where I’m going and have more faith now I suppose. I just need to be reminded of it, and not be so self indulgent and feel sorry for myself like a little pussy bitch! I know I need to hide a little bit sometimes cause the world is really scary! So I do and then I’m good. It’s like recharging my batteries. I'm more resilient now, and I have to be in this business, so I’m not going to let some ignorant reality TV star with cankles get in the way of where I’m going.

So here it is! I’ve gotten your letters and heard you come up to me after shows asking why I haven't blogged in a while (and thanks for reading) I felt I owed you an explanation. I've had a really rough go. I guess all creative people go through their periods of feeling crappy because comedy, for example, is an individual pursuit and that can be really isolating. In daily life, and I would imagine many other types of 'artists' feel like they are easily disconnected from society. People are always rubbing their goddamned ovaries and 6 foot something boyfriends in my face (the other day a friend actually said to me "I have so much cum in my hair, right now!" and I turned to him and said “Justin Elizabeth Bieber that is ENOUGH!”). Yes ok, I get bitter sometimes! I don’t want to hear about how your boss doesn’t understand you, and its not that I have anything better to contribute but it stings more I think because my dreams may not always be appreciated or maybe sometimes looked down upon. Sometimes I get blue cause my notion of success seems unachievable or unrealistic to me too and that’s just normal to get scared and hide. 

Anyway thank you so much for the letters and the laughs and the love. I know I’m on the right track and I aint never givin up! I have no alternative! There's a lot more filth left in this mouth to spread around...ok I meant jokes.... not like herpes.... herpes is so junior high.

Surgeons General Warning

Confession time. Yesterday I went to the plastic surgeon for a consultation. I have a pretty bad scar that I wanted removed (psychiatrist tried but….) and I figured while I was there. I’d ask about some liposuction. Just a question! Why not? Big deal!

I am not one of these people who are anti plastic surgery. I believe that if it makes you feel better about yourself and if you want to fix something why not fix it. Unfortunately or fortunately my family believes in this too. Someone said to me..."once you have a child you'll want him or her to know that they are beautiful the way they are and not to listen to the world around them." In my family if your kid has a big shnaz and he’s self conscious about it we say shave that sucker down (this is my natural nose! The shnaz gene skipped me, thank god.) So I decided to go and check this doctor out and see what my options were. Even at my skinniest I have a little pooch belly and extra skin from the ups and downs. Some say its pretty, its feminine...I say it looks like an abdominal scrotum. No appointments have been made and here’s why.

I walked into the doctor’s office (a known "perfectionist" in his field but that just means "salesman") and he proceeds to bombard me with recommended procedures. He suggests things that I never even thought of! For one thing he thinks the tops of my breasts are too hollow which makes my nipples look higher and that he could take fat from my stomach and inject it in the top of my breasts to make them fuller on top. (Can you imagine? Hey guys can we stop for something to eat? My fuckin’ tits are rumbling!) He wanted to take fat from my hips and inject it under my eyes, telling me that my brow is "above par" and my under eye area is "below par" and that’s why I have dark circles under my eyes and I will age better through my 30's and 40's with fat under my eyes. The Doctor explained to me that "we go through life judging people by how they look. Our eye is trained to judge if someone is beautiful or ugly based on facial fullness. If a face has more volume then we perceive it as beautiful." He told me that he could take the scar tissue from my scar and melt it down or something and inject it under my lips because I have two hollow spots under my bottom lip which gives me a natural frown and he literally said, I KID YOU NOT: "we can turn you from a sad clown to a happy clown." Crickets…. He also wanted to reshape my entire torso, hips and stomach and the entire surgery with all the recommended procedures would cost 16,000 not including anesthesia. Kind of makes you sick doesn’t it? Not for people with weak stomachs [on their tits.]

So as you can imagine, this experience was really sort of horrifying especially considering that I walked in with my normal low-level of hysteria that i always have, but do you know what the fucked up part is? I actually walked out thinking I need all this surgery!!! On the subway ride home I was looking at peoples faces. Looking at whose under eyes were fuller and if that made them more attractive.... I was so confused I ended up going home with an Aztec. 

A couple hours later I came to my senses! What the fuck! I'm on stage for a living I'm not gonna go fucking with my face! And how dare he take a girl in her 20’s and just list her flaws A to Z! I don’t want to lose the integrity of my face and body so I can look like a sex shop blowup doll! And god damnit I get cast in parts not because I look like a blowup doll but because I’m legitimately talented and I lie there and act like one! People with plastic surgery look like they've had plastic surgery! They can do whatever they want but Jesus Christ! Don't impose that on me! The only ass I want in my face is Chris Cornell’s! (I’d like to eat that black hole sun!)

Now I’m reading these tabloids as I tend to do.... with delusions of seeing my name… hoping to one day see the headline “Comedian Harriet Halloway Caught Man Handling Andy Dick In Bathroom Stall” and every page is about getting skinny. Jen Lost 7 lbs in 7 days! Kardashians in weight war! Kendra Wilkinson How Did She Lose her Baby Weight and Who Exactly is She? It’s amazing what America does to women. We are constantly made, by the media and the world around us to feel that we are not hot enough. These women have teams of people to make them look that way. Normal people don’t look like that! It’s not possible. But we keep trying. It’s all so sick and disturbing. I’m so nauseous I have a good mind to stick my finger down my throat and puke up my salad with fat free dressing!

Me Too = DITTO

I have writers block. And I'm a big fat LIAR! I said I would work out 4 days this week and take a wild guess how many times I decided to hit the gym.... ZERO! Whateva...I do wadda want!

To be honest, and your just gonna think I'm making a stupid excuse, I have actually been legitimately busy (I just made myself giggle tee hee) BUT SERIOUSLY GUYS! Between doing shows, showing face at events (where incidentally no one really has a grip on who I actually am), branding, meetings, counting points and crying into my pillow who has the time!? I wish I were at least writing new material...the only thing I write these days is everything I eat and its goddamned points value! How many points is a bullet?

Thursday I went to the Paper Magazine Beautiful People party...I was featured as a beautiful person in 2004 and as an alumnus, I feel a certain responsibility to go and share my wisdom with the new crop of beautiful people... and by wisdom, I of course mean hole. Didn't go over, but Gossips very own Beth Ditto was the cover girl of this month's Beautiful People Issue and she and her band, who look exactly like the cast of Revenge Of The Nerds, performed at the party. Beth was magnetic, boisterous, jiggly, loveable and wild animal on that stage! Here is a woman who owns her size and is contented and for some reason...I BELIEVE BETH DITTO! I believe this tale she's weaving...it seems actually...genuine. It was really inspiring to me to see someone so talented and joyous communicating with an audience. Made me want to put less emphasis on my weight and more emphasis on what I do. God it must be so freeing to be a lezbo.

Look at this gorgeous star child rip it up! I love her :)