FIENDING LIKE A DRUG ADDICT!

nerds rope
rainbow sherbert
gummy peach rings
cotton candy
The entire line of haribo products
Almond Joy
i saw a disgarded twizzler on the street and i thought to myself "who could be so careless to let one fall on the ground like that?"
blue rasberry ANYTHING!
Coconut Cake FUCK ME! FUCK ME! FUCK ME!
grape jello!
Nutter Butters
Grape Jello and nutter butters together so its like a peanut butter and jelly dessert sensation.
donuts
funnel FUCKING CAKE!
Watermelon Roll

pretzles
dorritos!
cheez whiz (or anything where cheese is spelled with a z)
everything bagels
Fried Chicken
BUTTER!
Buttered fried chicken
fried chicken wrapped in strips of pizza dipped in ranch.
macaroni and cheese
gravy
eggplant rolatini wraped in bacon, ....why dont people put bacon and eggplant together more often?
jalapeno poppers

Totes Jade!

I have to say I have reservations about this weight loss endeavor.... I feel like with every pound I lose I lose a pound of funny. I feel like audiences relate more to a slightly rounder HH. This is something I worry about. On the flip side I worry a man will never love me because he'll think that I’m already pregnant. At least now I look like I'm in my 2nd trimester instead of my third. I must say I will miss feigning pregnancy. Its so easy to get a seat on the subway, people let you cut in front of them in line, problem is they yell at you for smoking. 

Well, it's springtime folks! And everyone is in a relationship! If I see another scruffy guy in a knit cap and white cotton Hanes t-shirt and saggy tapered Uniclo jeans with some skinny stylish 19 year old with cut off shorts and McQueen platforms I think I’ll go postal! Yes we know dear, McQueen is dead! We get it! You're paying homage! My god you're so fashionably sympathetic! Someone should really pay attention to you! Everyone thinks they are asserting their individuality but they all look the same, it’s maddening, and yet, they have eachother! They're all friends, they're all lovers, and they all know each other in parks, and cafes, and stop on their skateboard to chat with another one who’s riding a vintage bicycle with no underwear on. And they're always eating haute- mac and cheese sitting outside at a restaurant being like "What are calories?" And then here I come! Galumphing down the street jiggling like Jell-O on a rollercoaster, in my car tarp and heart shaped sunglasses looking like Zsa Zsa on steroids, hissing and booing and saying "well aren't you just little and sexy sexy sexy!" 

Why cant I just be happy and accepting? Why can't I see love and accept it as something real and not some hipster fantasy world? Because THEYRE DISGUSTING THATS WHY! When did I become so jaded and bitter? I think I always was. I remember being 6 and telling my babysitter "After you die people will continue to love and miss you, but after they die, you will most likely be forgotten forever, your only sense of existence is a block of stone with a scribble of words that by now had been weathered and unreadable just like your pitiful rotting corpse 6 feet beneath it." I contradict myself though because I do love people! I love looking at them, I love the energy they can give, I love hearing what they are about, and I love the power of humans....  I just hate the ones who are effortlessly happy. And if you are reading this and you are skinny and sexy and live in a loft and you're a serial monogamist with beautiful men who have always worshiped you and never broken your heart, or if you are a guy who's parents have money and taught you how to sail and put your art work on the refrigerator, and you love going to the gym and getting blowjobs at Sway...YOUR DAY WILL COME MOTHER FUCKER! And when it does I hope it hurts and I hope you learn a little something! And another thing...your artwork SUCKS!

Have a wonderful spring day people! 

Boop!

Harriet :)

Bamboozled by grogginess.

OK so i woke up at 7am to pee and weighed myself and i wasnt happy! I went back to sleep, and woke up at 11am and weighed in again and it seems i thought the 2 was a 5 and it turns out i actually lost one pound instead of gaining two as i had originally thought. woops


So this is what i wrote at 7am:

Weigh in day week 2. I gained 2 FUCKING LBS! I'M ANGRY AS A HORNET! >:O LOOK! LOOK AT THAT! THATS AN EMOTICON OF WHAT MY FACE LOOKS LIKE RIGHT NOW!  i don't understand! i could feel it too...last week i could actually feel myself getting thinner....this week i didn't and i was like i bet i gained! i'm 195 fucking lbs! i'm like a linebacker or a UFC fighter! Except POOR! Maybe i should move to Atlanta and marry an uppity black woman...oh god how did this happen!
Ok i need to calm down (but i'm really pissed) everyone keeps saying "you lose the most in your first week" OK that could very well be, but aren't you supposed to just go down from there? How did i gain? I followed the points exactly. I went grocery shopping this week i NEVER grocery shop!.... i thought that would make it better but maybe it didnt. Maybe i ate more salt this week? Maybe i swallowed an anvil and didnt realize? WTF? Going to hide under my covers now....How many calories does crying yourself to sleep burn?


Then before i went back to sleep i decided to jot down notes to write about when i woke up:

• impatient aries nothing has been moving fast enough, weight/career too! 
• i need to exersise more i s'pose, buut i HATE excersising
• noone fucking ever returns my calls or emails.
• i want muffins
• if i was richer id be skinner
• maybe i should wait till i have money. celebrities are gorgeous cause they have trainers make up artists liposuction yada yada yada

Wow! the anger! the drama! I weighed myself again and felt like such a twat!  I mean i lost 1 lb, which still isnt great but its better than gaining two and it means i lost a total of 8 lbs in two weeks which is pretty damn good! I'm used to losing like 40 lbs in 2 months and then i take a sip of water and gain 12 back! It says you're supposed to lose 1 to 2 lbs a week in order to lose it in a healthy fashion and have any chance in hell at keeping it off so i s'pose i'm on the right track. I am still impatient but its something i am working on. Breath bitch! BREAATHHH! 

Come see me do my stuff at Cornelia tonight....its a great lineup and if your in the area it might be fun...you never know!

The Shape of Things: A Little Back Story

My whole life my parents have been examples of health and wellness. My father has been on the same diet since 1972. A doctor literally hypnotized him to stop eating sugar, salt and fat and to never eat between meals. Since that fateful day in 1972, he has pretty much eaten the same three meals everyday just mixing up his proteins to "keep it interesting." Since I can remember if I reached for butter for my bread or a salt shaker he'd slap my hand away and would say "Salt is the devil Suzie" (he never calls me by my actual name. He always calls me Suzie or Suzelah or Dolly and calls my brother Charlie, Johnny or Professor. Makes no sense but there ya have it) as a teenager when I started to naturally fill out he would (and still does) pinch my ass or my love handle and say "Woops! That’s how I lost my wristwatch!" or "Dolly looks like she got a little beefy…huh?" I hope I'm not painting a Nazi sympathizing characature of a penny pinching big nosed Yiddish monster that can't remember his children’s names. My dad really is a borscht belt character. He taught me how to be funny and quick, and taught me "don't take any bullshit from anyone Suzelah" which is sort of a contradiction because his inappropriate jabs are what I would classify as bullshit but wattryagonna do? He is very old school and loveable and funny and its just his way. 

My Mother…is shot. My mom owns a yoga retreat in Long Island and is actually quite a well known yogi and health guru. Her focuses are on juice fasting and bending to sniff your own cooch.  Total contrast to my father, the 3rd generation Jewish undertaker from Jersey City, whose hobbies include backgammon, yelling at waiters, and answering questions with questions, but somehow it works! 

Growing up with these two, who incidentally are the vainest people on the planet (when I was a kid I walked in on them having sex and they were screaming out their own names) focusing so much on appearance and weight and image, it had some effects on me. For one thing, I rarely go out without makeup on, I use my sexuality like a carpenter uses a saw (HEY! I'm not a slut...I'm a people person) and, I admittedly am a bit of an elitist when it comes to handbags.  Additionally, as a child, when I was told to go easy on the carbs, I would do the opposite. Binge eating was my teenage fuck you,  well so was raiding the liquor cabinet and sneaking out of the house at 16 to be a showgirl, but thats another story. As a result I am always going up and down in weight. Not to point fingers, but it’s their fault that I over eat to begin with, and it’s their fault that I hate myself when I do! 

I think an important aspect of a life change is recognizing where you develop your bad habits. I'm done going up and down and blowing hot and cold like a tenement faucet! I want to accept that my mom and dad put a little too much emphasis on the scale and that I have to be ok wherever I’m at. That I might hit it big or a man might love me whether I look like Jayne Mansfield or Chris Farley.  This is a shift and an adjustment so I hope I can make it. Now...what the fuck should I have for breakfast?

Bad Bad Girl!

A shrine to one of my idols. She went up and down on the scale too, enjoyed a powdered donut and a powdered nose once in a blue but was unexpectedly hilarious, never ever boring, oozed sex and because of it was an icon of the 90's. The woman just didn't give a SHIT and lived life by her own rules! I dont know about you but i miss her.

A little too real...(and i'm just too lazy for good grammar)

So im feeling a bit lighter a bit healthier. Still going, still striving, still moving, still grooving.
What else is in the news.... OOH! Last night i had a dream that i was doin it with Javier Bardem and Penelope was really mad so i fed her a lobster which she ate with the shell still on it "a la" Daryl Hannah in Splash.
Well let's talk! I mean emotionally things have been kind of rocky road (ice just creamed my pants) lately!
All of these changes im making. Hustling like crazy, performing all the time, not smoking not drinking not drugging, not boning, now not binge eating...making a bad girl good is tough work! Theres nothing to numb me now except this tube of tiger balm and that just makes my eyes bug out of my head like a psycho with a thyroid problem. I mean, what kind of comedian would i be if i wasnt clinically depressed. Its a lot of work being Harriet Halloway all the time. The fake eyelashes, being honest and friendly, having that air of "wholesome waywardness", being sexy and precosious, you know...pretending that i like gay people...its a lot!
In reality i really am all of those things, but I also have 0 self esteem, am constantly seeing a shrink, i am a person who cries all the time, and i can't help thinking im a big dumb clown sometimes (apparenly with pies in my face for a completely different reason.) I am one of many people who has the thoughts of: no one will ever accept me, no one will ever know how to love me, the way people treat eachother and all other life on this planet is so scary and appalling so why am i even part of this human race to begin with...blah blah blah, wah wah wah, im a narcassistic baby woman, i know i know.
For me, it's so much easier to take the negative things people say about me more seriously than the positive things. Like someone blogged that i was "just another un funny female comedian" for some reason i can believe that, even though i have ears...i can hear the laughter from the stage, i know logically that its just one persons opinion, but it still cuts like a knife. Then when someone says "Goldie hawn meets Mae West...but funnier" that makes me swoon and lets me know i'm on the right path but, number one, it doesnt have as big of an effect on me as the negative press, and number two, theres that underlying reminder "calm down lady... it could be that maybe you're just a total dildo." I s'pose these thoughts are normal. The trick is to take steps to make the thoughts less frequent, more positive, and taking all of the energy one puts into looking inward and put it outward to people and things with real suffering (although everybodies struggle is valid and real to them. without struggle we'd all be a Hilton sister) I mean, all i know is i LOVE what i do and the only time i really feel good is not when im winning an eating contest, or peeing on peoples cars, or waking up with brett butlers' toe in my mouth, but when im talking about all of it in on a milk crate with a squeeky microphone in some hilbilly honkey tonk. So, i guess im just gonna keep doing it cause the alternative is being the mother in Whats Eating Gibert Grape...although i do love a good bed.
I'm good I'm good...points are good, head is just ok but determination is big.

MY FIRST WEIGH IN AND ROMANCING THE BONE: A WEEK IN REVIEW.

well today was my weigh in day! Just woke up...took my fist mornings pee and (drum roll pleaaase)  I LOST 7 LBS! WEEEEEEEEE

WOW! how gratifying! i gotta say it was not really all that hard and im really happy! This week i got to eat real lasagna, pizza, creamed spinach and french fries while simply just balancing out my points! WW really is fabulous! Can you imadge!

Last week was like text book bi polar disorder! I was skipping through daffodil dew one minute then kicking puppies the next but i made it through!

AND! Last night i had a date!!! Well it was date "ish." Twas with a guy that i go to the movies with once a month and bone and dont talk to again until the next month when we go to the movies and bone. Kind of an ok arrangement. I mean i like movies...and i've been known to bone, so what could be so terrible? We saw Hottub Time Machine (which was my nickname in highschool...you've been a terrific audience!) which was good, well, you know it had its moments, and then i asked him to go home with me! He grinned and said "Aww you know i really want to kid but i cant" and gave me sort of a lackluster smooch on the street. Between doing two fab shows last night, watching my pal Rob Corddry kill it in Hottub Time Machine while sitting next to the scruffiest cutest piece of ass strokin at me legs in the theater, and the little bit of peyote i found in the bottom of my purse, i was feelin foot loose and fancy free! But, i went home alone as usual and I gotta be honest with you, I felt a bit lonely. All of my staff who keep Halloway Industries a float were fast asleep, spooning sweetly in the trundle under my bed (my 14 personal assistants and my maid Hortensia,) and i was all alone. Boneless. I must say i wanted to just eat my brains out at that very moment but i resisted and said to myself..."Harriet Conceptione Louisa Maria Teresa Garcia Ramirez de Arroyo Halloway, tomorrow is your weigh in day! You can't let the fans down! Be greatful for what you have and what you have done so far and keep those feet a climbin!" AND just wait till this joker sees me 43 lbs lighter!

Heres to all of us getting through another week. Whether its easy or whether its hard you got to appreciate the process kids.

Stay tuned
HH