Mean Red's and Gimme Some Head!

So I’m pretty much at my goal weight (40 lbs gone y’all!) and I think the liposuction went a little deep because it feels like the funny has been just sucked out of me completely. It’s amazing how differently people treat you when your body changes. People are just nicer! Like instead of wanting to throw feces at me when I’m walking down the street people want to shit over me while hovering over a glass coffee table! See what I mean? Polite! Or instead of wanting to shake my hand they want to stick two fingers and a thumb in me like a bowling ball and throw me down a hallway into bed! And now I’m throwable! Before all I could hope for was a soft shove! It’s nice and it’s annoying. As a female comic I have always been on the sexy side, let’s be real. I mean I always had the Marilyn thing happening, can’t help it. Not being egotistical it’s true. I mean I was just genetically programmed to be utterly fabulous (with a great set of udders, THANK YOU DEMOINES I’LL BE HERE ALL WEEK!) All the women in my family were knockouts in their day. But not to worry if you see them now you’ll see that I will one day turn into Ethel Merman. Wide assed brassy Jew broad who wears sequined sweaters with too much makeup, too much jewelry, and too much perfume, and hair that stays in place in winds up to 80 mph who never stops consuming or complaining and has a larger variety of antacids in her purse then a Walgreens shipping center. (I can’t wait!) Anyway, now all I do is work out, eat calorie free styrofoam at home alone like a dog because restaurants are off limits because you don’t even know how much oil, salt, butter or fat is injected into what seems like a guilt free menu item. So the secret to weight loss? Don’t enjoy anything! Got it? Ok!

My career has still been slow as fuck. The thing is I’m an Aries with an Aries rising and I have no fucking patience and am spoiled and angry. Plus I’m lonely and lost any fire in my belly or motivation towards comedy along the way. Pretty much the entire month of august and this lovely Labor Day weekend has been among the darkest depressions I’ve had in my life thus far with one difference. I have not been bingeing on heroin, cocaine, alcohol, pies (pizza and/or fruit,) cakes, fried everything, chips, dips, bread, cheese, candy, and ice cream with a mayonnaise chaser. Instead I’m going and sweating out my rage at show business and men (all there is in life apparently) at the gym on a pitiful little elliptical that is on its last legs from my violent exercise attacks I AM HELGA THE UNMOVABLE MOUNTAIN AAAAAGGGGG!!!! This is a good thing that I have not fallen off the wagon with all my addictions however it's not fully good news cause I have been drinking a lot and chain-smoking like Lucille ball at a friars club roast. So what the fuck is my problem? The only way I can put it is that I have these voices and demons that live within me that I have gotten pretty good at keeping quiet and docile, but these days have been reaching and sinking their black fingers (they're Caucasian, just dirty and covered in soot) into me and clawing up through my heart and my brain. They have the belief that I’m dirty and tainted and separate from all other human beings that I’m disgusting and sick and not worthy. I think everyone has a degree of these demons but they are a voice we can choose to listen too or not but sometimes they are so loud you have a harder time tuning them out. Also when listening to these voices the voices of others who aren’t necessarily positive seem the loudest too. Like some skinny white boy dime a dozen douche bag comedian who no one knows but will probably get famous before me just because he's white, funny, dorky and "relatable"(which is the main recipe in the Comedy Central cookbook of generic comedy) told me that he saw me at Caroline’s and said "you seemed really drunk on stage..." which I wasn't and anyone who knows me knows that I just act like a retard sober, then he went on to say "you were ok, you did too much crowd work I didn’t see enough of your material" meaning I improv'ed too much with the crowd, to which I responded "um sorry I didn’t realize I was auditioning" and he said "well you were auditioning for my first impression, which wasn't good and what material you did do was weak but I could see you have the potential within you to be actually funny." Now it was this kid's birthday so, as the class act that I am, I kind of just smiled said happy birthday and left biting my tongue and also left his miserable name that his slut mother gave him out of this blog. The old Harriet would've probably sent him to the hospital (I had a jwoww period in my youth) but the thing is, I realized why it burned so much was because he was kind of right. I did not have a good set that night (granted no one really did cause it was a Monday 10pm crowd which is not the most desirable spot to have, but only a chump blames their set on the audience which is exactly what I just did) I remember my crowd work did well and my material fell flat. Recently I am feeling like a complete failure as a comic (black demon fingers). Because of the lack of gigs (and open mics don’t count) I haven’t been feeling funny, that I’m coming up with anything new or anything that anyone would care about. That my act has become hokey and predictable and the worst part is that I don't really have any desire or care to write anything new or really get on stage ever again. If I’m not getting paid then it has to be fun and it's not fun at all anymore, it's fucking soul sucking and boring. But I know this is a phase. I know I’m good cause of the fan base I’ve built over the years (hopefully not just from being ‘sexy’) I’m talented and I was born to perform I’m just not feeling it right now! The passion has left! Perhaps it's the demon fingers, or maybe it's the constant focus on my diet and body that is distracting me, or the lack of any love life ever and the always being alone all the time always, or the fact that I have 30 dollars to my name! I know people have it so much worse and are struggling to eat and live and strive towards a dream on top of it and I’m sitting here unemployed and miserable in my gilded bird cage and I just stopped trying like a spoiled cunt. The world is crumbling around us with back-to-back earthquakes and hurricanes that granted have been pretty gay, but here I am focusing so much on my ego when there are real things happening around my bubble of self loathing and 35 calorie cheese wedges. I am grateful for what I do have like my family and my friends (that I can count on one shop teachers hand) I just have what Truman Capote called "the mean reds."  Don't anybody pull a Cher on me and say, "snap out of it" because you might lose a finger like a shop teacher. I am coming out of it though and starting to think about what projects I can create for myself while my blank calendar stares me in the face. I will succeed and be the star I was born to be I think I need to take these voices into consideration and heal them instead of suppressing or avoiding them so the next time they’re not so debilitating.

It’s gonna be ok! The famous Halloway resilience folks! Good stuff on the horizon which I’m excited for. Comedy can suck my dick.   

Keep Pushing (So someone will push it in me) by Celine Dion feat Lil Kim

Weighed in this month and lost 6 more lbs! Which is good cause I’m losing one to two lbs a week instead of 10 a week when I was popping laxatives like candy or gaining 20 a week when I was popping candy like laxatives. You know what that's called folks! PROGRESS! Also means that I didn't jiggle as much during yesterday's earthquake although I still got the jiggles just now it's my tits and ass and not my stomach and rocky the squirrel underarm wings! That earthquake was bullshit, stood in front of a plate glass window in hopes it would take me because I LAUGH IN THE FACE OF DANGER! I DRINK SKIM MILK THAT'S PAST IT'S EXPIRATION DATE AND SCREAM MACBETH BACKSTAGE AT THEATERS!  HA! YES! POWER ENGOURGES MY CLITORIATYY!!!!!! But seriously the earthquake felt in NY was pretty scary, mostly because it made me remember how long it's been since I’ve had an orgasm. (sigh) Last time I had sex was like in the beginning of June with a waiter from La Luncheonette named Dain or Cain or...god who even knows...i remember it rhymed with crippling pain. I was having dinner with my mom and my brother, which causes me extreme anxiety and desire to rebel so I drank 3 bottles of rosé and aggressively flirted with the waiter and left my number in the check envelope. Needless to say no orgasm. And I’m pretty orgasmic. Usually if I sit over the wheel on the bus I need a cigarette after. This asshole bruised my left boob and never called me again. Then I remember I texted him "you bruised my boob" thinking he'd be like "LOL sorry sexy" or "yeah something to remember me by, till next time" but nothing. That's alright...Just do me a favor people and next time you go to La Luncheonette on 10th avenue tip the tall cute ginger waiter with a sars envelope. That'd be great thanks.  

But I’m proud of myself! Well not of that story, but of the 6 lbs! I've been working out doing a minimum of 40 minutes of cardio 6 days a week and have my big gumba trainer (that I can't afford) Frankie, or as I like to call him Frankie "Bag a Snack wells" kick my ass with weights and strength training. Plus counting calories and being conscious of what goes in my mouth, like instead of going to a restaurant and putting bread in my mouth I just put the waiter! ZING-OOO! 

So that's going well. Also made a promise to myself that that's the last asshole I’m gonna fuck. Enough! I mean I am aware that I am amazing, extremely talented, hilarious, a fucking blast, and easy on the eyes (and easy) so why am I not dating the crème de la crème? I always said it's because there is no such thing as the crème de la crème. Men are just womanizing by nature and see me, and every woman like me, the kinda gal who enjoys a case of cutty sarks and a showtune as a conquest and use me and throw me away like a tissue cause that's just how it is in New York. Which is true for a lot of guys but it's a confidence thing. Knowing what I deserve. I suppose apart of me always thought I deserved to be tatty bruised and deleted from phones because I really don't love myself when push comes to shove. Even I think I’m a bit ridiculous as a whole, but know that I can't help it. I also realize that if I loved myself I’d be such a fucking snooze.  UGH! Look at Harriet Loving Herself.. muah muah muah kissy kissy kissy! HEY HARRIET WHY DONTCHU JUST FUCKIN MARRY YOURSELF, FAG!” That’s gross. People who love themsleves should be blindfolded and shot as far as i'm concerned! There is no one I would like to hang out with less than someone who loves themselves! Ugh! Would I be a comedian even? A self-loathing, wailing, make a retard out of myself, comedian? Would I have done so many drugs and been in so many precarious situations and cried on the bathroom floor of CBGB's covered in rock star cum if I loved myself? Who would have those priceless stories? Just Drew Barrymore and Andy Dick? NO THANK YOU! I am regretless! But, it's time to grow up and take a shower (preferably golden...I mean SOAP! ...sorry old habits) and take charge. Taking charge of my life, heart, body and career. This past summer I have been so run down by the show business. Between the abortions of auditions and the string of shows that have no pay and no audience, after working the road and getting paid consistently almost every weekend for a full year has been a lot to handle. I have struggled a lot when I was a child/teenager/up until now and more struggle and rejection makes me really upset and brings the violent emotions of the past up again. I hate not knowing what the fuck is going to come of this shit. Losing my faith and passion for what I once loved along the way. You think I want to get up on stage in front of a bunch of comics and drunken trash who text and talk and slobber over nachos while I’m tap dancing like a fucking monkey every night for free!? Or walk in and have my fate determined by some 23 year old casting director bitch who hates actors more than I do with crest white strips and a stack of god awful scripts on her desk telling me to "go online and look for parts" GO ONLINE!? WHY AM I HERE YOU DISGUSTING HUMAN BEING! LET ME TRY! SEE ME! SEEEEE MEEEEEEE!!!!! It's such a horrible business and I would never let my child do this (once again blaming my parents for everything). It is why so many talented artists do heroin and kill themselves. This business is the business of enduring bullshit (usually in isolation because all you have is yourself and what you believe is talent) and enduring bullshit is painful! No wonder I ate so much fucking cake! But dealing with these emotions, with the help of very talented doctors, is all I can do to keep climbing and pushing and tearing through layers of bullshit to get to where I want to be. Sometimes I allow myself like a day to be a brat and kick and stomp my feet but then it’s all-star time. It may take a year it may take 4, or 5 but mark my words, little kiddies I will make a living croaking these ball yanking, cheese ball, vomit inducing jokes into a microphone! So haters beware and lovers prepare! But seriously…5 years is really all I have left in me though. If it's more than 5 years I’m marrying an 80-year-old millionaire and going down the Anna Nicole toilet. FLUSH! THANK YOU VERY MUCH AND GOODNIGHT!

On the Road to Celebrity Rehab!

Summers almost over, thank god because I’m sick of sucking in my stomach and not wearing control top panty hose and sweating like a Saudi snatch! I've been doing a lot of mics and stuff and letting my career be guided by other comedians who think that this is what I should be doing and this is what I should be doing and this is what I should be doing. You know what I shouldn't be doing is taking advice and critiques from comedians who still suck on fucking pacifiers and think that I am on or below their level when I have done hours of comedy in rooms they could only dream of! (And yes, I mean room 409 at the Best Western in Flint Michigan…I’m not allowed back in Flint Michigan...NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!)

My auditions have been kinda cool because they are for big things...not extra work and student films, but for major networks and films and sitcoms and shit but it doesn’t matter because auditioning is such a terrible and annoying experience. You sit in a waiting room that feels like a house of mirrors cause there are 25 girls who look exactly like you (but normal sized), then you walk in smile and kibitz and explain that "yes sorry…I know my headshot looks like I’m a blonde ingénue but as you can see I’m a 6 foot tall ball buster with a voice like a black tranny named Tyrona ...(shrug shoulders and smile) GOD'S BAD!" and then go into your sides (short script that you read with a casting directors assistant who thinks they are a better actor than you) Then I read it, sometimes they throw you an adjustment and make you read it again or look over your resume with you and see what you do what you've been up to and this is almost more important than nailing the reading of the sides. If you can establish a relationship with these people you're gold. This is where I usually fuck the whole thing up and spin myself into a web of lies and destruction. It's like I’m a heroin addict seeking oblivion with layers upon layers of bullshit! Imagine 3 times a week of realizing you are the biggest moron on the face of the planet! Really takes one down a peg! Like I had an audition for this girl, side note, almost every single casting director is either a girl or a gay guy like if you ever notice movie credits it's always like CASTING DIRECTOR: GLORIA SHEINBAUM or RACHEL BRISKET-GUTTMAN or SHANA SHECKLES SHINKLESTIEN FACE and then the occasional GERALD-LLOYD- DE LA TWINKLETOES or something... Anyway, I had this audition for a movie that's coming out soon with Annette Benning and Kristin Wiig, two ladies I would die to work with so of course I was nervous and when I’m nervous I babble like Ralph Kramden in a whore house! So I go in and read and she's like "wow that was perfect! That was really terrific, Harriet thank you! Why don’t you tell me a little bit more about yourself" and then I slip into the vortex "Well you know,  (clearing throat and coughing for about 2 minutes) Exuse me, swallowed saliva down the wrong pipe I guess, um…where was I!? Oh well, I’m a stand up comic for a living so I haven’t really done anything new on my resume which is why I’m here I guess HAHAHA so yeah that'd be really great if you gave me the part HAHAHA. Oh and yeah well I just filmed a commercial for ummm...(scrambling scrambling..uhhh glance at the outlet on the wall) for Glades Plug Ins. Yeah... that's the ticket...Glades Plug Ins! I played a young Scandinavian Viking mom who loves smoking her own Kippurs indoors for her family but hates the smell and she's all disgruntled and then a light bulb goes off over her head and she's all "YA! Youshk know whatsh would make for neutralizes kippur odor ya? Tahitian Vanillashk Breeze" so anyway yeah that was a lot of fun and should be coming out really soon and what else? Oh yeah well, I have my own hour comedy special happening on HBO so that should be really awesome, yeah i'm really blowing up and just preparing for that and anyway how much does this gig pay sexy? I dunno you seem like a pretty cool chick Margot Stuffed Derma-Shlucccchhhhenstien you wanna maybe like I dunno like go grab a beer after this or somethin? That's a really cute top by the way! Oh it's Prada? Yeah I fuckin rock Prada all the time cause I’m super awesome and successful and shit and would really be an asset to your film." I'm such a supreme asshole!  And if that wasn’t bad enough I wrote a follow up email apologizing! Yeah this is how you go places people. And I’m complaining on getting advice from comedians who've been performing consistently and improving on a daily basis for 3 years and I’m creeping on 8 years in and have been doing many of the same jokes I did when I debuted and mostly sit at home watching episodes of Dateline so I can collect ideas on how to plot the rape and murder of the comedians who are half as talented as me and are going to make it before me while I eat 100 calorie packs of real people food or 0 calorie non fat synthetic baby shit string cheese in my underwear SO I CAN BE ACCEPTED INTO SOCIETY AS A FUCKING PERSON WITH VALUE and not being able to keep my trap shut or tell any iota of truth in an audition or job interview! 

So what am I doing? I'm eating shit (literally and figuratively) and taking advice. I'm continuing to audition in hopes that some person will find my babbling charming and adorable and cast me as "giant slutty best friend," or "WNBA player with a past" in some made for TV movie. Continuing to write and then trying said jokes at open mics in a room full of 45 unfunny chubby dudes with beards who tell the same fart joke, and writing this blog once a week instead of like twice a year or whenever I can muster up enough strength to write about my shitty life for 15 minutes. So stay tuned and wish me luck! 

HUGS! 

Frankel my dear, I don't give a damn!

Hello again! Thought I’d resume the bloggy blog. Consistency isn't my forte but I’m gonna try and write more consistently which is repetitive but consistent in writing the word consistent.  

It's just retarded cause it's all the same shit folks! Nothing has changed in my life since March when I last wrote an entry. 4 months of nothing to talk about. Yes I’ve been yo-yoing as usual, trying to maintain some sort of happiness, auditioning, doing shows, and having shitty sex with total losers (not that there was shit involved! only that one summer in Berlin but i needed the money) but it's all so uninteresting and monotonous because there is no momentum! I'm reading Bethenny Frankel's new book because I have an aversion to stimulating my mind in any way with anything other than uppers, but dude she's made it all happen! Kid, huz, Forbes 500 list in what seemed like an instant. So I’m interested in people who manifest things and are successful because I want to be that person. I want to have a big warm house and maybe a couple maids and a couple rocks (diamonds, not crack) a nice well stocked closet (with clothes not curious men with nipple clamps under sweater vests) a man who I worship and who worships me, awesome friends who I love and are nice to me, the cutest and coolest little babies anyone has ever seen that I can shmush and squeeze and love and they fall asleep with their little heads in my lap before their daddy sticks his "little head" in my "lap!" I can have that...if that mousy nasal Bethenny Frankel can do it why the hell can't I!?  I’m 1/2 way through her book and can't put it down! It's like Tropic of Cancer except without the tropic! Some of the things she talks about is breaking ties with your past and your baggage and not letting it ruin you or make you repeat patterns, she talks about being true to yourself and following your gut instincts, and acting on them. That's where I’m at now. Acting on it. Hard. I do to an extent but I need to be more enthusiastically going for my goals and the only thing that prevents me from "acting" on it is fear. Fear that I'll waste my time, fear that I'll be ridiculed and called names, that I’m not funny, that people will not like me for being me...sounds like bullshit cause it is. I guess what I've been doing these four months is trying to find my soul and let myself be guided by that instead of my ego. Also  been getting up early, working out every day and trying to be healthy and feel good and not feed my addictions which is such a bore but I allow myself the occasional bender just to keep my chops, oil the old wheels if you will. But I’m still shrinking...I have more to go. Recently, like a homosexual gym rat narcissist, I put half naked pictures of myself on facebook to get some opinions. So far everyone's is "YOWZA!" but I still feel like I’m about 15-18 pounds away from being a 10 (not a size 10 but on a scale of 1-10 hotness). Which is what every girl really wants in life. So disgusting how our society makes a woman feel if she isn't a 10 she's not valid or worthy of anything or seen. I'm always seen but that's because I’m a 6 foot something ferocious peroxide soaked beast woman clawing her way down third avenue everyday...kinda hard to miss. I can honestly say I’m not torturing myself to lose weight this time. And before you think I’m insecure and superficial, let it be known that I like the curves and the lumps and bumps and humps (except this goiter I could do without) but I’m eating normal and working out. My goal weight is not a number but to have a guy pick me up in the air…maaaybe weigh less than a football player, I dunno. I have been weighing in once a month instead of daily or weekly and feeling and looking good. Number is still higher than I want it to be but I’m not focusing on numbers, I’m focusing on how I feel and of course the gospel of Bethenny Frankel.  Here are the pictures plus one slut one I took in a leopard g-string on my i-photos. Please aim your semen away from the screen, damaged computers are in no way the responsibility of the writer or publisher of this blog. 

Birthday Party

Aaahhhh back in NYC the land of missed opportunity, where the streets are paved with old. 

I lost 30 lbs! On top of the lipo, or combined with which is nice. The bod is lookin good fellas, the bod is lookin good! My stomach is flat, my ass is nice and high and big still. I got that black girl ass, but my credit is good so COME ‘N GET IT! It's hard to navigate though because ok...do we just lose weight for men? I know there's women who say they don't and then spit tabacee and burn their bra's, but I'm not sure...I can, however, relate to the great Dolly Parton when she said in her light as air Tennessee twang: "I was the first woman to burn my bra - it took the fire department four days to put it out!" All I know is I feel a hell of a lot happier, but the male attention is hard to ignore! I've been like dating, and usually a date to me is a number 6 value meal and a taxi cab bj, but this time it's like drinks, or dinners in real restaurants, and conversation! And I don't have to pay! It's disorienting. People are still freak shows though…

I went out with this dude who I fucked like two years ago. It was fun but I never saw him again cause he had Hitler pubes and I was over it...meaning he shaved his pubes into a tiny Hitler mustache right on top of his dick. Uhhhhhyeah...that’s a deal breaker...Is that a dick or a giant labia, Jenna Jameson? Holy kamoly! But you know what we always stayed in touch on the phone and stuff so we built a good friendship basis, which is cool, OH and we have the same birthday, which is crazy astrological TNT. Anyway I get back from LA, actually I had some gigs in Boston so I got back from Boston and he invites me over to his apt (remember when I said guys are taking me out for dinner and drinks, yeah...baby steps) and I went cause I figured we already boned what's the big deal. I walk in and he's got like nude portraits of women all over his apartment, which was a little precious, and he takes me over to a bulletin board in his office with all the girls he's fucked on it and he was like "look baby you're picture's in the middle" Come on people! That's a little serial killer...I mean!!! I made the pussy board! Round of applause! So whatever, I laugh it off, we have a couple drinks, smoke some trees, and I’m like falling asleep cuz I’ve been traveling for 48 hours so he's like, "Baby why don't you just stay here and sleep I want you to feel comfortable here" So I said ok cuz I was all the way in Brooklyn and tired as hell and his bed was actually comfortable enough (I happen to have really high mattress, and thread count standards, my other standards are questionable but mind your business!) so I’m falling asleep and moan "I'm sorry I’m totally a wet sandwich falling asleep while you want to party and hang out, I feel bad" and he goes "Oh it's alright baby, you go to sleep, I’ll just jerk off to porn on the computer for a couple hours!" Ummmm! I sat up and I yelped "You have a naked woman sleeping in your bed right now and you're gonna jerk off to other women two feet away from me, WHILE I'M SLEEPING cause I won't put out! Doesn't that sound creepy to you?" 

"Well when you put it like that it does sound a little creepy," he said "But, I'm not going to like jerk off on you!”

"Well at least then I’d be involved!" 

Anyway, I got dressed and got the hell out of there. I can't with the sex addicts; they’re just such a nuisance.

But, things are cool with him and me, but I think it’s probably better to just be friends and I can get him some tail to feed that aching hunger and fill up that bulletin board. The other dudes are cool. One in particular I’m kinda crushin on...I mean we'll see.

I do really miss LA. I miss seeing a horizon when I look out my window and not the naked fat couple across the alleyway (my parents live across the street, everybody loves raymond style) Not sure where I need to be right now. 

Tomorrow is me and Hitler dicks birthday! I'm having a big show at 8pm at Gotham Comedy Club I really really think you should come if you are in the area...then we can have a cocktail or 50! 

XOXO

Mercedes Benz, Botox, Harriet Halloway

All right well here I am in Los Angeles.

Here for a whole month! Never been away from home this long...other than when I was in that Singapore prison for smuggling 30 kilos of heroin in my vagina. Got some auditions for pilot season and trying to stamp a little more HH on the west coast comedy scene again. West coast audiences are different though...they're very "come on chump, make me laugh" with their 5 o'clock shadow's and leather jackets and aviator sunglasses and "look at me attitude" well guess what douche lord! I'm on stage now, so it's time to look at ME! 

It's like day 4 here although it feels like i've been here a month already. Haven't gotten shit accomplished yet unless if you consider smoking medical marijuana all day long and piling on makeup an accomplishment. You know me by now though , I put tons of pressure on myself! So, I’m trying to take in the "LA way" and relax a bit, but I never realized what a cunt bag new yorker I was until I got here! I get really impatient here. People don't move fast enough, or don't care about things... Like I walked into a manicure parlor the other day to get my nails done because my thumbnail broke and it needed to be fixed, lest I walk around looking like a midwestern checkout girl with acne and missing acrylics. So I said to the Koreans can you fix my nail please and give me a polish change, and they were like "I don't know, maybe in half owa, I don't know how to doo" I was like "well didn’t you go to acrylic nail school? Did you miss the day they taught everything? What, if i may ask, is the point of you?" "oohhh I don't knoooww" then I closed my eyes and tried to mentally make my blood pressure go down and feigned a smile and politely asked "do you have ballet slippers?" Now for you heterosexual males who read my blog (all 2 of you) Ballet slippers is probably the most common universal nail polish color in history. Everybody has it or has had it one time or another; it's like the VD of the beauty parlors. So I asked her for the color, which I knew she had, and she said she didn't know! GRRRRRR! So should I just stand here and wait till you do know? Or just sit down and take a crap in the middle of the floor with my busted nails? Basically the story ends with me screaming RETARD in a crowded LA salon and storming out. In NY things just move faster, people respond when you ask them a yes or no question, they get out of your way if you nudge them with a sharp stick. Here, it's very slow and easy, you poke someone here with a sharp stick and they'll think they're being exfoliated and say thank you! That shit just doesn't fly with me. There are pros to go with the cons though. Despite the throngs of superficial snail paced monsters there are a few good people here, and the good ones stick out like sore thumbs so they're not that hard to locate so that's good at least. The weather here is amazing. I love being surrounded by mountains and palm trees and fresh air instead of slush and concrete like in NYC, it's good for my soul. The big mountains the wide sky it all makes me feel so...petite! Like a tiny wispy slutty bashful asian girl (who's obedient and would KNOW HOW TO FIX A FUCKING NAIL IF YOU ASKED HER! ...deep breaths)

I definitely feel like I’m starting from square one here and I’m a little out of my comfort zone, on the east coast I got fans and a good thing going, here I’m just another big titted blonde... so I of course have immediately turned to the vices. Booze, food (so much food), sex, drugs, and cigarettes.... yeah, I full on started smoking again as soon as I got off the plane. Also the eating, you know how it is...except now that I had my fat cells in my stomach sucked out, now the fat goes directly to my face and upper arms so I look all puffed up like a...like a....um...well, Mariah Carey. 

Trying to adjust and feel good and get my happy back because misery helps stand up but it ruins auditions. 

I'm gonna rock it out though, I always give myself shit then get good results in the end so I’m not worried.  THE TIME IS NOW!

Love you monkeys 

Well, I SUCKED!

Alright so I got liposuction...

I did it swear to god! But instead of pretending I didn’t and taking 'after' pictures in a pink bikini and saying "it was portion control" I'm gonna be a woman, stand up with my back straight and LET THE FAT OUTTA THE BAG: I HAD LIPOSUCTION!

It's just something I really wanted to do for myself for years and years and even at my skinniest I always had a champagne belly (I hate beer) so I figured, the calendar is open at the moment (I have like no bookings) and it's cold out so that'll help swelling...so why the fuck not!

Also I was getting to a point where I was digging my body again just not certain parts...so I took em out! Anyway why do I have to rationalize it? Don't really care what anybody thinks, I did it, it hurt, now it doesn’t, and my stomach is flat for the first time in my life so ROCK N ROLL!

It was pretty painful though...Like the first 3 days were...ooof brutal. But like a week in bed vs. a lifetime of dieting and emotional and physical rollercoaster’s?...uh I’ll take the week in bed, thanks. 

They did my entire stomach, upper and lower, my upper back and lower back (so no more unsightly bra bulge and he explained by "scooping out" (I know it's so Heidi Montag I love it!) my lower back that it would make my ass seem more prominent and therefore even more remarkable and arresting...yeah that's right, you have the right to remain silent, my ass is in the room.) they also did my hips and my sides so it was pretty much my entire torso 360 that was invaded by this magical vacuum cleaner. It's a new kind of lipo where they go in with a large heated needle and the heat melts the fat and draws it out in sheets. Isn't that amazing! So it's not as invasive and crazy as normal liposuction where they fist fuck you with a tube till your fat breaks up and then they suck it out (if I had a nickel...)

So you're probably thinking I’m following in the footsteps of female comics like Joan Rivers, Phyllis Diller, Roseanne and good old Kathy Griffin with the plastic surgery nuttiness but I assure you, it ends here, cause that shit hurt and was pretty intense. I kind of talked myself into it being like "oh whatever how bad can it be" but it is pretty traumatic what your body goes through even if you're asleep, it reminds me of when I lost my virginity and I woke up and screamed "get off me dad you're crushing my smokes!" I don't want anymore but I got to admit I can see how gals get the bug, it's like getting a tattoo, you get one and then next thing you know you have 3 ying yang’s, you're ex boyfriends name and a Chinese character that means "most ancient mystical specialfull tender beauty turd" on your forearm. But the last thing I need is a plastic surgery addiction added to the list of all the others. And come on, I’m an [out of work] actress; this is my [not making any] moneymaker people!  You don't just toy with that!

So that's that...I feel good and am on the mend. It's amazing every day the swelling goes down I shrink more and more. It's fabulous! From this potato doctor created: woman! During my recovery I am eating well and being healthy, I am loving being a non smoker it's fabulous, and I’m planning my next steps folks! New year, new bod...nothing can stop me now! And if you don't like it, then a-go fuck yaself good sir! (she says as she tips her hat, adjusts her monocle, and bows low and slow)